How Do I Stop Staring at My Crush?

Today's question comes from Valerie via Instagram:

I have a random question. This morning I was doing some overthinking (as per usual) and I remembered an episode where you discussed that when you were interested in someone you’d stare at them. I always thought I was the only one who did this and I was wondering what steps you might’ve taken to overcome this?

I answer Valerie's question in my typical roundabout way, first delving into why we may find it hard to stop staring at a crush, what makes staring so irresistible in the first place, and then tips on how to stop. I incorporate, as always, my autistic, neurodivergent perspective on this topic.

Resources

• Love, Actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship (Harvard)
• What the ADHD Brain Wants, And Why (Dr. Ellen Littman)
• Blinded By Love: The Neuroscience of Crushes, Obsessions, and Rejection (Julia Ravey Science)

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Transcript

Nichole [00:00:11] Welcome to Pynk Spots, a queer anarchist space where we smash the patriarchy by celebrating what is strong about being soft. Here we'll explore what is vulnerable, raw, hurt, healed, sensual, queer and controversial. So join me and my friends from around the Internet as we talk about deep shit and prove, as Janelle Monáe said, that pink is the truth you can't hide.

Nichole [00:00:45] Hello, my dear sweet audience. It has been a minute, huh? So I apologize for the break of the content on here. What happened was, as those of you who follow the live streams will know, I've been really wrestling with what to do with the podcast versus the YouTube channel because I was missing real podcasting. By real, I just mean sitting in front of the mic talking to a future listener versus the active audience that we have over on the YouTube channel with the live streams.

Nichole [00:01:27] And I was also missing having more control over the audio quality. And being able to maybe be a little bit more thoughtful and obsessive, as I like to be sometimes, with the content. The Live stream is really fun, it's not that I don't prep for them, I definitely do. But a lot of it has to come, you know, it has to live on as what it is. I don't get to go back and edit, right. So whatever happens, happens. Whereas on a prerecorded podcast, I can go back in and fill in a detail I may have missed, or edit out stuff that didn't land the way that I wanted it to. You know, there's just a bit more control. Although I do still want to keep these fairly low maintenance so I don't want to get too obsessive about the editing.

Nichole [00:02:23] But yeah, I just missed, I missed talking to you, listener, directly. I feel with the live stream recordings, I'm always talking to the person I'm collaborating with and also to the live audience. And so I just think some of that intimacy is lost in the podcast format. So I'm really excited to be back to it. I had to take a break to deal with real life stuff and to really get real with myself about, you know, how much I can do as a disabled person and how to make this all work.

Nichole [00:02:59] I particularly had to take time off to get the last two years of my taxes together. Get all the documents together, get them scanned, figure out all of my income versus expenses. All of that really fun stuff that we all love, for both 2019 and 2020. It's something that's been giving me a lot of, as my dear friend Mexie says, background anxiety. And it finally really fully hit me in the last few weeks how much that was draining the life out of me. Like how much that background anxiety really was kind of ruining my ability to focus on any of my projects and to get work done and just to relax and feel OK each day. It was like no matter how much I got done in a day, I still felt awful because I hadn't gotten this big scary task done.

Nichole [00:03:55] So I decided to really kind of cut back on everything else that I was doing and just really strictly focus on getting that done. I'm so happy to say that I have gotten that done, although the accountant that I reached out to still hasn't responded, which is making me a little nervous. I used to work with accountants and advisers for many years, so I do know how busy this time of year is and I'm trying not to be too anxious. But I would just really love if she would write back and just let me know if she can fit me in in time or not so I know if I need to look for someone else.

Nichole [00:04:30] But just having all the information done is a massive, massive relief. And I have found that I've been able to be more productive. I hate that word, video coming soon on that. But, you know, just to feel like I have a bit more control over what I can execute in a week, which is good. So this episode actually was supposed to be recorded last week, but I'm recording it the night before I publish it. I actually recorded this once before and was really not happy with it so I'm taking another shot at it. But yes, now this - this. I love when the country comes out out of nowhere. This podcast is now officially going to be an advice podcast, which again, as longtime listeners know, I love, love doing advice. I'm really excited about this. My goal is to have an episode out every other Tuesday. So I'm not going to go back to a weekly schedule. That was a little too intense.

Nichole [00:05:39] I thought about doing just monthly and if I find that I can't keep up with every other week, then I'll move to that. But I would like to try, you know, to do every other week. Especially now that I'm doing most of these by myself, the episodes will be a bit shorter than they used to be when I had a whole other person to collaborate with and kind of chew up some airtime with. So I'm hoping that that's doable. Yeah, so sorry if this is your first time here and you had to sit through that long ass intro, but I just wanted to let all the kids know what was going on.

Nichole [00:06:21] I also wanted to take a moment to thank the Patreon and PayPal donations that I've received since January 1st. If you've been following me on the Live stream, you know that January, February and continuing into March now, and now also April, has been really difficult for me. I think for a lot of content creators. I've lost about twenty five percent of my income, which is tougher than it's been in years past because I am now actually depending on this income in part to help me pay my bills.

Nichole [00:06:59] Part of why I also took such a long break over here before getting this episode out was because I've been working with a friend to do some graphic design and now instructional design work. That is paying something to help supplement my income. But yeah, it's just been a little tough. And I know the environment is really hard for everybody, the economy's tough for everyone. And there's probably maybe also people who just aren't jiving with what I'm doing now. So I never blame anyone who needs to stop a donation. You know, I'm glad for people to do what they need to do with their own financial situations. So given that, I just wanted to say an extra special thank you to everyone who has financially supported me since January 1st. It helped to mitigate some of that lost income and helps just keep me going and knowing that I'm doing good work and that I should keep pushing, even as I'm still trying to sort of figure things out.

Nichole [00:08:06] So I want to say a very thank you - a very thank you. A very special thank you Daddy, to Eve. And Arun, I hope I'm saying that right. You both gave really generous donations, one time donations, and I just felt, it was just very nice and supportive so thank you. Because I think you both knew I was struggling a little bit, so just thank you. And Arun, I actually watched YouTube videos on how to pronounce a German R to give it my best shot. I know you said as long as I didn't say Aaron, it would be OK, but I wanted to try. So there you are. Hopefully I didn't embarrass myself too badly.

Nichole [00:08:51] I also want to say very special thank yous to Dustin, Daniel, Sarah, Stacy and Kevin, who are new patrons. Thank you all so much. Dustin, I know you in particular. We've communicated on various platforms. I just always love having these connections with new listeners and new patrons. And then Stephanie and Stefanie. I feel like maybe you're the same person because your pledges always match each other. But these are always made under different names, or different separate accounts and Stephanie is spelled slightly differently in each case. But both Stephanie and Stefanie increased their pledges. So I just want to say thank you so, so much. As I mentioned, I took a pretty huge hit and this helped to mitigate that for me, so thank you.

Nichole [00:09:43] And if any of you want to help support the show, you can go to Patreon.com/pynkspots. I am very aggressively trying to protect my autonomy as a disabled person, and I have a lot of plans on how to make my platforms more effective in that way. And I have a lot of projects coming and as I mentioned, I'm chasing down some contracts to supplement. So I just thank you all for hanging in there with me. I'm going to get there. I'll be damned if I ever go back to a corporate job. So, yeah, just thank you.

Nichole [00:10:27] All right. So sorry again if you're new here and you don't have a relationship with me to think that any of that was interesting. But here we are. We're finally here at the topic. So as mentioned, this platform will be an advice platform strictly going forward. I may, of course, occasionally upload a special different episode as it feels appropriate. But for the most part, I really want to focus on advice questions here because I love answering advice questions. And if you have a question that you want me to answer, send it to pynkspots@gmail.com and you'll have a very good shot at getting an answer because I only have a few questions cued up. So please send me some.

Nichole [00:11:17] All right, so today's question comes from Valerie. And I want to say thank you to Valerie, because this question made me really excited and I just love when I get questions based on shit that I've said before. Because, you know, autistic brains, we love to go deep on stuff. So I love when someone gives me the excuse to expand on something that I've said before. So Valerie writes, "I have a random question. This morning I was doing some over thinking, as per usual, and I remembered on an episode where you discussed that when you were interested in someone, you'd stare at them. I always thought I was the only one who did this, and I was wondering what steps you might have taken to overcome it.".

Nichole [00:12:03] So thank you, Valerie. I really like this question. As you know, I have somewhat recently discovered that I'm autistic. I've just really been kind of going back over my entire life in this, you know, new lens and just kind of pondering things from a new perspective. And one of the things that has come into my mind a lot in the last, I don't know, maybe a year or so, is sort of how creepy I was a kid. And I think part of why I love thinking about this is because I... I mean, just because there's so much rhetoric around rape culture and male privilege and, you know, objectification of people and bodies. And autism, social awkwardness, social anxiety, you know... Bullying. I mean, there's so many things that sort of come up in these conversations to excuse that behavior, right. And so it's been interesting for me to think back and be like, well, I'm autistic and I did some weird stuff when I was younger. And yet here I am, you know, a fully formed adult who is able to not excuse my behavior as a means to continue it, right.

Nichole [00:13:32] And I don't see this to make anyone feel bad who struggles, especially today. We're going to talk about this question, I think particularly from a neurodivergent perspective. I had a hard time thinking of someone who would do this where it wasn't done out of entitlement, who wasn't neurodivergent. So maybe I'm wrong in that. Maybe there are people who would stare at someone compulsively and not be able to stop it and not being neurodivergent. But that was very difficult for me to imagine. I think in a lot of those cases, the staring is coming more out of a place of like ownership, intimidation, you know what I mean? Objective, like consciously doing it. And I don't think that when it's happening in that way, it's something that someone can't stop doing, it's just something they don't feel that they need to stop doing.

Nichole [00:14:32] So anyone who's listening who is not neurodivergent or doesn't know that they're neurodivergent, hi, hello, welcome. You may change your mind on that by the time you finish any of my episodes. But, you know, I think there's still a lot of good information here that you could apply to yourself, whether you are or not. I just want to say to my neurodivergent peeps, like I'll be speaking more specifically and directly to you, and out of a place of deep understanding, and out of a place of like, this is something I've done myself and this is how I've processed it and how I pulled myself out of it.

Nichole [00:15:10] One of the things that I used to do when I was younger that, you know, now I look back and I'm like, wow, I was kind of a creeper, was I would just obsessively stare at someone I had a crush on. And typically this would happen, I'm not sure exactly when I stopped doing this. I'm pretty sure by the time I was in high school, it was not a behavior that I really had anymore. So I don't know, maybe like seventh, possibly somewhat still into eighth grade, this was something I was still doing. And it typically would happen around someone I actually didn't know very well, if at all. Like I might know their name. Maybe they were friends of some of my friends, you know, there was some kind of exposure to them in some sort of way, but they weren't someone that I actually knew.

Nichole [00:16:03] And I say this because as we get into how to come out of it, I think it's really, and again, hopefully I'm not too specific to my own experience, but I think there's something in this that happens when you have enough of a lack of information to project a lot onto the other person. And so I want to start off kind of talking about maybe why this happens and then we can finish with how to stop doing it.

Nichole [00:16:38] I know for me, and I don't know if this is the autism or simply just how my little robot brain works, but I find knowing why I might be doing something extremely empowering and usually I have a very hard time changing a behavior pattern without having some sort of foundational understanding of why it might be happening, so hopefully that works for you as well. If not, that's kind of how I do things around here so maybe it won't be a good fit. And that's OK. But, yeah, I want to say, so I think, you know, for instance, I think there's a lot of reasons this can happen. And as I said, I do think that it's typically rooted in some kind of neuroatypical wiring that we might have.

Nichole [00:17:29] And the reason I think that, for those who may not be aware, is that one of the key markers of a neurodivergent brain or a neuroatypical brain is impulse control, emotional dysregulation. And something I actually found out while doing research for this topic was that autism, as well as body dysmorphia and pathological gambling, I think, as well as other, I guess we'll say conditions, are now considered part of the obsessive compulsive spectrum of disorders. So OCD is still its own thing. These things are not considered obsessive compulsive disorder, but they're considered on the spectrum of obsessive compulsive disorders.

Nichole [00:18:22] So when I found that out, it really, really, really clicked a lot of puzzle pieces into place for me, because I've always said that. I've always said I was very compulsive. I always knew that I didn't have OCD and I didn't want to appropriate that condition. But I also knew that I just was far more compulsive than a lot of the other people around me. And it's something that has impacted my relationship with food. It's something that's heavily impacted my romantic relationships. I suffer from body dysmorphia.

Nichole [00:18:58] So there's a lot of ways that this has kind of, you know, really been there in my life and been something I was aware of. But I was always very confused by it because I knew that I didn't have OCD. So I didn't I didn't really understand it. So now understanding that for a lot of us neurodivergent people, there's either impulse issues there, or there's compulsive issues there and obsessive issues there. I think it can help us kind of piece apart a lot of our behavior.

Nichole [00:19:30] There's also a connection from what I have researched so far, and also just be aware that it seems that the definition of who and what is neurodivergent isn't set in stone. I don't think neurodivergent is really like a medical label. It's more of a useful grouping and a useful way to communicate that your brain works differently from other people. And there are some commonalities there. But essentially it has a lot to do with how you process information, how you regulate your emotions, [sound of a plane flying overhead] how you deal with planes flying overhead late at night when you thought it would be quiet and you could record.

Nichole [00:20:21] So, for instance, you know, OCD is part of this, dyslexia is part of this. On a lot of infographics I've seen, bipolar disorder is part of this. I consider PTSD part of this for sure, because I think that trauma, PTSD, and then also those who suffer from complex PTSD or CPTSD also fall into this category as well. Especially considering there is now such a deep connection that is being researched more and more of the connection between trauma and autism. There's some theories now that autism is actually a function of infant or perhaps even fetal or toddler trauma. And hopefully, if I remember, I will link those studies in the show notes. If I forget, give me a little poke and I'll send those to you as well.

Nichole [00:21:22] So all to say that, you know, if we're suffering from depression, if we are autistic, if we have ADHD, OCD, PTSD, CPTSD, if we've had trauma, if we tend to disassociate because of that trauma, there's a lot of kind of commonalities there with - and again, these are all separate, they all work differently. So I'm going to oversimplify a little bit here just for the sake of easiness of comprehension. And also, I don't want to sit here and act like I fully understand all the studies that I read, but a lot of neurodivergence is predicated around either a lack of dopamine or a lack of sensitivity or reduced sensitivity to dopamine.

Nichole [00:22:22] There's also a lot of connection between lower levels of serotonin in things like OCD. Serotonin is also connected into other forms of neurodivergence. And I think this is important to understand, because if we look at what happens when you feel like you're in love, when you have a crush, you usually get, you know, a rush of dopamine. Your serotonin is lowered and you get hit with a lot of adrenal type hormones, which will cause you to feel really hyper focused, really awake, really energized. The dopamine, I think there's a mischaracterization of dopamine as being the pleasure chemical. It really isn't that so much. What it is, is it's a motivator and how it functions is that it helps to reinforce enjoyable sensations and behaviors by linking things that make you feel good with the desire to do those things. So it's kind of this relational thing.

Nichole [00:23:36] Serotonin, on the other hand, controls or is connected to impulse control. And it also plays a role in sleep and appetite, and it regulates mood. So as we can see, lowered serotonin is going to lead to a reduction in impulse control. And it's also going to make you have trouble eating or sleeping or thinking about anything else. Dopamine is going to reward behavior, like looking at your crush, by making that connection with any flood of good feelings that you get by looking at that person. And then we have norepinephrine, which is one of those, you know, again, I'm very much oversimplifying these things, so take that with a grain of salt. But it's one of these sort of adrenal type hormones which heightens our attention or sensory input. It also makes our palms sweaty and our hearts race as it acts as both a stress hormone and a neurotransmitter. So it's very unique in that it has a mind and body impact.

Nichole [00:24:50] So this mix of chemicals is what gives us positive feelings, reduce impulse control, and heighten sensory input when we look at our crush. That's why I included the norepinephrine because, you know, this is the kind of thing where you feel when you look at this person, you know, you're just like taking in so much sensory input around them. And it can make you feel like... That can feel significant, right? It can feel like, wow, this person just makes everything, you know, the grass is greener and the air smells sweeter and the sky is bluer. It's like that kind of thing. That's why that happens, is because of this particular stress hormone and neurotransmitter.

Nichole [00:25:34] So what happens is this causes an intense chemical motivation in our brains to want to constantly look at this person. So these chemicals when applied to a crush we stare at, and probably feel, often feel frustrated by or rejected by. So often, at least again, this was my situation, is that I would stare at this person, I would build up some kind of fantasy around them. But then, you know, so I would feel good when I looked at them but I would also feel really bad because they weren't talking to me or they weren't staring back at me, or I could tell I was making them uncomfortable.

Nichole [00:26:13] And so it develops this weird cycle where you go through feeling rejected by this person, but then also feeling these like positive feelings from these chemicals that are happening. And this can actually lead into a kind of toxic cycle that we get into with toxic romantic or platonic relationships. So you get the dopamine highs, you get the reduced inhibition of serotonin lows, and stress chemicals hitting the reset button. So when you go through that phase of rejection or withdrawal, so to speak, it hits the reset button on how hard those chemicals will hit you. And so if you're feeling, you know, I used to do this where I'd be like, fine, I'm not going to look at this person anymore. And I would try to avoid them. You know... I was such a creep. I would try to avoid them and very pointedly not look at them all day or even all week. And then when I would go back to it or when I would feel that they'd given me any kind of sign that I may even have a glimmer of a shot with them, it would flood me all over again, this really good feeling and I would feel so relieved to feel this good feeling again.

Nichole [00:27:28] So I kept that cycle of these chemicals having their full effect in place. And I actually would really love to talk about this, the addictive cycle of toxic relationships and how we can become attached to people who treat us badly, working in both the neurochemical aspects as well as the psychological aspects. So if anyone wants to ask me a question about that and give me an excuse, if you think that sounds interesting, I would love to talk about that. But all to say, just for the here and now is that I think these unrequited crushes, these people that we stare at, it can almost weirdly fall into that same cycle of like love and rejection feelings which keep those chemicals hitting pretty hard.

Nichole [00:28:14] There's also a thing called limerence, which functions on like a spectrum or scale. So limerence, when it's at its most extreme, is the cases that we've heard of where someone may stalk, say, a celebrity, and be convinced that they have a relationship with that celebrity. But it can happen in much smaller ways and I think it is more common than we probably realize. So limerence is a mental state of profound romantic infatuation, and it's characterized by an initial period of elation and intense emotional arousal that can progress to an involuntary obsessive craving for another person. And I do feel that limerence was part of my issue when I would have crushes on people. You know, I would think about them constantly. They would become my primary and sometimes only source of joy or relaxation throughout a day. They would be the only thing that my brain would want to focus on when my brain would want to feel good and feel happy.

Nichole [00:29:25] So the primary characteristic of limerence is a desire for reciprocation of feelings rather than a sexual fantasy. And that was certainly how I felt, especially given that I was pretty young when I would engage in this behavior. I maybe would want to kiss the other person or hold hands. But I really, what I would fantasize about was them thinking that I was wonderful, too, and just having this real deep reciprocation of feelings. And I would picture things like the conversations that we would have and how nice they would be to me. And it was not sexual really at all. It was very romantic and very much rooted in this validation of self through this other person.

Nichole [00:30:12] So what is significant for this conversation that we're having here is that in a state of limerence, the smallest interaction with your crush, so say just even seeing them, will create these intense chemical reactions in a person and it can become quite addictive. And people who experience limerence often looked for secret clues that their crush returns their feelings. So staring may be part of this and frequently is part of this. So, for instance, you may stare at someone to try to see if there's secret messages in their body language. Or you may come up with rules like if they look at me in the next 10 seconds, then they like me, too. So staring can be part of this observational behavior as well as a source of pleasure chemicals.

Nichole [00:31:01] And again, I did have some, kind of these sort of things. I would think like, oh, like if I ever caught them looking back at me, I would take that as a sign that they liked me. However, I was creepily staring at them all the time, so it's like odds are they're going to look at me either just out of, you know, statistical likelihood that if you're staring at someone constantly, at some point they're going to look back at you. Or even more often they would look at me because I was looking at them. And we all know how it is to have someone stare at us or to think that someone's looking at us in a certain type of way. It makes you, it creates this weird dynamic where you kind of feel compelled to check and see if they're still looking at you, even though, you know, you probably shouldn't make eye contact or acknowledge the staring.

Nichole [00:31:55] So, yeah, I would do stuff like this or I would... Yeah, I would just, I don't know. I would just really observe, like, how they acted with their friends or what they would say in class and things like that, and try to think if it had something to do with me. And so I just wanted to bring that up, because I do think that that's part of this cycle of, you know, the pleasure chemicals, but also tapping into some of the compulsive behaviors that those of us who are neurodivergent might struggle with anyway. And actually, I did read that for some professionals, limerence is thought to be a symptom of OCD. It hasn't been, to my knowledge, isn't a formal symptom of OCD, but there's a lot of people who speculate that they believe that it's perhaps part of like Relationship OCD, if you're familiar.

Nichole [00:33:03] And yeah, this was something that I really struggled with and I think, you know, staring also factors into the fact that limerence thrives on fantasy versus reality. So staring at someone versus talking to them becomes kind of compulsive and almost irresistible because it preserves your fantasy of who they are and it preserves your fantasy of this potential future that you could have together. Whereas, you know, you sort of know that if you go talk to them, then you're probably going to get rejected, you may get made fun of and then you won't be able to have this fantasy any longer.

Nichole [00:33:44] So some other just quick kind of facts and connections when it comes to neurodivergence, so people with ADHD have been shown to have an association of lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. Because of this, or perhaps at least in relation to this, ADHD brains are often seeking stimulation to cure the boredom that they often feel. They can do this in a wide variety of ways. But love, sex and infatuation combined with fantasy, fantasizing or daydreaming are all pretty common sources of dopamine for all of us.

Nichole [00:34:27] So, you know, pair the dopamine that they may receive from looking at their crush with lowered serotonin that will lower their impulse control even more, and it's just a perfect recipe for frequent staring. I also want to point out that even though we are talking about intentionally looking at your crush today, I do think also that sometimes there's inattentive types of ADHD and those folks may be staring just because they're lost in thought and not realize that their gaze is still on someone. So it could not be related to the person at all, it could be that they just happened to be looking in that person's direction when they got lost in thought and now they're still looking at them, but not really seeing them.

Nichole [00:35:15] Or it could come from looking at the person because they do have a crush on them, but then getting lost in thought, perhaps even thoughts about that person, but not realizing that they've continued to stare as they've been sort of lost in their own thoughts. And there's also hyper focus. So people with ADHD and also autism, as far as I know, I know I definitely hyperfocus, are prone to hyperfocus, which is where they have an intense fixation on something or someone for an extended period of time. So staring may also be a symptom of this hyper focus if someone has captivated your interest.

Nichole [00:35:54] I was reading in some autism forums about staring at people and some of the autistics that were in the thread were saying that sometimes a person becomes their special interest, which is an autism specific term. And a special interest is something that again, really, really captivates your attention and focus. And often when you know someone with autism, you usually know what their special interest is because it is what they talk about all the time, and it is something that they tend to engage with on multiple levels.

Nichole [00:36:36] So, for instance, for a lot of autistics, they may have a TV show that's a special interest. So they watch the TV show, but they may also read every interview of every cast member, they know personal details about all of the actors. They may read screenplays of the show. They may go to conventions around the show. They may do cosplay. They may do fan fiction, either reading or writing or both. So a special interest is something that kind of like overwhelms your brain in your world. And I don't, I haven't heard a medical professional say this, but in the community we often talk about, yeah, like feeling that a person can become our special interest and it can be really difficult to kind of mitigate that in a healthy way, as you can imagine.

Nichole [00:37:30] So some people were talking about, you know, there's obvious reasons if you're fixated on someone why you would stare at them, and a lot of them we've talked about. People with autism also have been shown to have either lower levels of dopamine or their dopamine transmitters act in an atypical way. So I think that that's why, as I mentioned before, dopamine is a motivating chemical, and that's why people with ADHD struggle to get motivated enough to do a task and stay on task. Whereas with autistic people, it's interesting because it's harder for us, it's also very hard for us to start a task, I would say, on par with people with ADHD. But weirdly, once we start a task, it's really hard for us to stop. So all to say, too long didn't listen, people with ADHD and autistics have, both struggle with stopping tasks or stopping certain behaviors if they're getting any kind of neurochemical reward from it.

Nichole [00:38:46] And this can certainly apply to staring at someone that you find interesting or compelling. Oh, and where I was going with that before is that some people in the forums are saying, yes, I stare at someone because I have a crush on them. But other people were saying, I have often stared at someone because I'm trying to figure them out, or there's something about them that I'm, it's almost like that person is a puzzle to them and they're trying to solve the puzzle. And I think that's probably a very autistic experience, since we tend to be so observational and we tend to be in a constant state of trying to understand other people and crack the code of socializing and whatnot.

Nichole [00:39:31] I could see very easily that someone would just capture your interest because, for whatever it is about them, you don't quite understand how they move through the world. Or they're really cool and you're trying to figure out like, why do people think this person's cool or they're funny or whatever it could be literally anything. So staring can happen in that case as well without necessarily needing it to be a crush.

Nichole [00:40:00] So one of the reasons, too, I wanted to bring up PTSD and CPTSD and trauma in general is that dopamine is also implicated in the regulation of fear conditioning and anxiety. And research is starting to show a connection between people who develop PTSD and certain genes involved in the activity and metabolism of dopamine as well as serotonin. And of course, there's other factors there as well. However, the research is looking pretty, like that there is definitely some sort of connection there.

Nichole [00:40:33] Additionally, on top of everything that we've already talked about, I think this kind of factors into addiction as well. If you are someone who struggles with addictive behavior, we'll say then these chemicals that are released, everyone kind of knows that, you know, well I feel like it's been talked about a lot, that there's research showing the similarity between being in love and taking cocaine or compulsively eating sweets, neurochemical wise. So, you know, if you struggle with addiction or just addictive behaviors, then staring at a crush could also be something that is difficult for you to not do.

Nichole [00:41:15] A friend of mine who I kind of later found out had feelings for me, and #It'sComplicated, girl, we do not have the time. But anyway, it's funny because we're both very neurodivergent. And unfortunately, he does struggle with some pretty serious addiction issues. And he used to just stare at me all the time. You know, and there was something about, I think, us both being neurodivergent and us both having such a close relationship that it did not feel uncomfortable to me. But it was interesting putting this research together because I kind of realized that he actually used to even call me... He just used to describe me constantly as like this addictive force. Or that I, you know, he would say things like when we would get together to hang out, that he was getting a dopamine rush and that it was great. You know, he just like actually had like an active awareness about the chemical effect that I had on him and the connection to his addiction.

Nichole [00:42:28] So I feel like, you know, at first I felt kind of silly putting this in until I remembered that and made that connection. And, you know, he used to call me and say, like, I need a hit, like I need, you know, he would be in a bad place and he knew if we hung out, if we saw each other, then he would be able to get this mix of neurochemicals that would make him feel better. So I do think, you know, if this is something, and I have, this is where I was saying before, is that I have come to realize I do not have an addictive personality. I used to think that I did, but I do have a compulsive personality and there's at times very little difference. But I do think it's an important distinction. But all to say, I can very much relate to that because of my compulsive nature.

Nichole [00:43:21] And then I also wanted to bring up trauma because I feel that staring at someone is a form of disassociation. I did a whole episode about disassociation so if this is interesting to you I highly, highly recommend that episode. I really discovered a lot about myself in researching it. And I think that disassociation is something that a lot of people do and don't realize that they're doing. It's very common, you know, something as mild as daydreaming is dissociating, so. It's not necessarily inherently a bad thing, but I think a lot of us are doing it far more frequently and in situations where we really shouldn't have to, like during sex, for instance. And have kind of, you know, gotten to a place where it's so commonplace, we don't even really actively realize we're doing it.

Nichole [00:44:15] So dissociation, very interesting to me. Check out that episode if you want. I think it's just maybe like two episodes back, it's pretty recent. But anyway, when as I talked about in that episode, when we dissociate, we become more quote unquote back of brain and we lose a bit of front of brain function for a time. So when we're in this mode, we often lose our sense of time, and our conditioning around social norms. New love also deactivates or suppresses front of brain functions like judgment and critical thinking, as well as our ability to distinguish or dissociate ourselves from others. So staring and especially if we have some sort of limerence or some sort of very heavy fantasy going on with this person, we can start to feel like a real connection and even a blending of identity with this other person.

Nichole [00:45:14] Not saying we necessarily think we're that person, although, you know, depending if you have a dissociative disorder, that could perhaps happen. But more just you know, I know for myself, I was very depressed and so I dissociate a lot, would dissociate a lot from that. And also growing up autistic, you just kind of take in a lot of trauma. And I also had a dysfunctional childhood. So I have come to realize that, you know, I have leaned on disassociating for most of my life and it has become a real crutch. And it's something that I'm actively right now trying to stop doing so much.

Nichole [00:46:03] But yeah, when we look at this, you know, if we're dissociating from being depressed or if we're dissociating from trauma, this might be a thing that can help us get through our day knowing that we'll be able to see our crush and get a rush of good chemicals and create this fantasy that feels really safe. And I think that's really important to think about in relation to trauma as well. I think sometimes we can engage in these behaviors because we have learned that other people can be not safe. And so, you know, many of us want to have love. Many of us want to feel like we could be rescued.

Nichole [00:46:44] That was another thing that I would think about a lot, even into adulthood, even after the staring behavior had stopped. But I still had a lot of kind of... A lot of fantasy around my romantic interests. This idea of being saved by a relationship or having someone validate me. I have a friend who talks about this as well, and she has a very large like feeling of this person can protect me and this person could save me and this person could make things better for me and help heal what happened to me before. And I think that's common for a lot of us that have had any kind of trauma, any kind of neglect in our childhood, who've been abused in any sort of way. And, you know, I think staring can factor into this because for a lot of us who have grown up with trauma and do feel that other people can be not safe, then we can see how a fantasy from afar is going to feel a lot safer and more controllable than the reality of a person up close.

Nichole [00:48:02] So I think, you know, combining all of this together, that dissociating as a trauma response, when you do it enough, you can start doing it even when there isn't necessarily a stressor in front of you or the stressor is extremely mild. Like it could be like I'm bored and when I get bored, I get depressed. So I need to not be bored, I need to find something to focus on that makes me feel good and that makes me, you know, engages my attention and makes me feel like there's hope and there's something to live for and something to look forward to and something to believe in. And so I think for a lot of people, I do think that that factored pretty heavily into why I had this creepy behavior, because I was more invested in the fantasy that was controllable and that felt safe and that had endless possibility, than really the reality of people.

Nichole [00:48:59] And then, of course, on top of that, being autistic, you don't really know how to talk to people a lot of the time. And you are awkward. And you've learned, especially for those of us who have a very observational form of autism and have kind of figured out how to survive and mask really heavily, you just know the rules of engagement, right? Like, you know, you're just very keenly aware of the rejection you might suffer and you know how sensitive you are and how much that will crush you. And so you find these ways to protect yourself. And the fantasy is very protective.

Nichole [00:49:36] And then the last thing I wanted to mention as a possible cause is that this actually could be asexual or aromantic behavior based on confusion from alosexual and romantic messaging that we're all steeped in all the time. For me myself, I'm demi sexual and I think that this does factor in as well. Because, and also I was queer but didn't know it, so I know sometimes I would stare at girls and I thought I was jealous of them, you know? There was just a lot of confusing feelings. And for me as well, again, because I kind of had this more limerence based attraction to people, part of the joy of staring and kind of keeping that fantasy alive was because, you know, I don't really like being physically engaged with someone right away. And I really do want to have more of an emotional connection with someone. And you learn pretty young that that's not what boys are into, right?

Nichole [00:50:48] So, you know, I do think demisexuality factored into it. And then I have heard from a lot of other people who are asexual or aromantic or are questioning, you know, if they are, that they find their... When they find someone compelling, it can be very confusing. They don't know, like, do I want to sleep with this person? Do I want to kiss this person? Do I want to date this person? Do I just think this person's cool? Do I just want them to be my friend? It can be really confusing to really know, like, what feelings this person is bringing out in you. So I think staring in that sense, you may call the person your crush, but it could also be like steeped in this confusion, because we're obviously have so much asexual and aromantic erasure that it's really hard to piece this stuff apart.

Nichole [00:51:49] And I do think it could be part of like figuring out if you're queer, too. I do think that that's part of my thing is when I was staring at girls and thinking I was like wanting to be like them or jealous of them. And I do think that those things were true because being queer is very confusing in that sense of you're like, do I want to fuck you or do I want to be you? Or both, or neither. I don't know. It can be very confusing. But I think when you're young, and especially if you're neurodivergent, you're already just trying to figure stuff out. I think not knowing that these things are options or not really fully understanding what they mean and not knowing how you really feel about someone can definitely lead to perhaps staring at them a lot as you're trying to really get your arms around what it means to you.

Nichole [00:52:50] And then I think I'd said that was the last thing, but really the last thing is also can come from a weak sense of self. And I think a weak sense of self can be tied into any of the things I've just talked about. I think that always comes out of trauma. That always comes out of usually an injured attachment style from things we went through as children. It can come out of, you know, personality disorders, which again, usually just track back to trauma as children. So I think not having a really good sense of self, maybe not having a full rich life can factor in. Not always. Not always. But I do think it's something to think about.

Nichole [00:53:35] And I think for me, that is the biggest thing that I changed over time, is that anyone who's been following me as I've made content around the Internet the last few years, probably has the sense that I have a very strong sense of self now. So possibly you would be surprised to know that as a kid I had almost no sense of self. And that's something that I actually really, really worked hard on to establish and determine. And the more that I did that, the more that I found that these kind of behaviors, I became - it's funny because now if I like someone, if I'm interested... See, that's the thing. Like, I don't even like somebody until I know them. But if I'm interested in someone, if someone's kind of caught my eye or I'm like, oh, I have a good impression of this person, I want to find out more. If I realize that they are not interested in me, I just immediately stop being interested in them.

Nichole [00:54:40] So it's so funny where I used to obsessively stare at people and have these hopeless crushes. And even after I knew the person did not like me at all, I wasn't able to, you know, I would still be buried in this fantasy of them. To now where I'm just like, oh OK cool, I'm over it, bye. Because part of my attraction now is really built around the attraction being mutual and the interest being mutual. So we've come a long way baby, but it took a lot of hard work. So how's that for a fucking segue? Let's talk about how to stop staring at people that you're interested in.

Nichole [00:55:25] So I think something I didn't mention before is that, you know, staring at someone is really, really dehumanizing and objectifying. And I don't say that in a judgy way. But it's in a real-talk way. It is. You are doing something to somebody that they have not consented to. And I can't imagine ever being stared at by someone that I don't have, like you know, my friend. That was fine because we had such a close relationship. And he would always tell me, too. Like he would always talk about how he was staring at me after. So I didn't exactly consent, but I kind of did. You know what I mean? Like it was a thing that we openly talked about. So I felt like, you know, as much as I... As much as you can tell someone, yeah you can stare at me whenever you want to. I feel like he pretty much had my consent to do that.

Nichole [00:56:24] But if this is someone that you don't have a close relationship with and you haven't kind of acknowledged this in any sort of way and found out if they're OK with it, it is just really objectifying. And I think when we say objectify, we often think of sexualizing somebody. But sexualizing someone is only one of many ways that we can objectify a person. Another way of doing that is making someone the center of our fantasies, no matter how wholesome those fantasies may be. This is an extremely objectifying behavior. So I would say, you know, empathize with how it feels to be stared at like that. Think about, you know, I think it's easy to say, oh, well I wish, you know, people would stare me that way. But would you? You know, like, I don't think that you would.

Nichole [00:57:12] Think about someone staring at you and you don't know what they're thinking. Because that's the thing is like the people you're staring at don't actually know what you're thinking, most likely, unless you've told them. And if you've told them and they've rejected you, that's not good. So think about how you would feel being stared at by someone you've rejected. And think about how you'd feel being stared at by someone that you don't know or you don't know why they're staring at you. It would feel very objectifying.

Nichole [00:57:40] So the way to break - and again, I hope that you understand as someone who's had really struggled with this kind of behavior, I say all of this without judgment. And I know a lot of my little babies are anxious little babies. And I'm not saying any of this to cause you shame. I'm not saying any of this to make you more anxious than you already are. But I also think my way that I've gotten through, because I've also struggled mightily with anxiety, and my way through anxiety is with just like radical honesty and being real about stuff. Because anxiety is going to lie to you all the time. So the more that you confront, you know, raw truth, no matter how uncomfortable, is actually going to help you with that anxiety.

Nichole [00:58:28] So just be honest with yourself. When you're staring at someone, it's objectifying, it's uncomfortable and it's not OK. It's not a good consensual activity that you can be engaged in. Doesn't mean you're a monster. Doesn't mean you're a bad person. Doesn't mean you should drown in shame. But it is a place you have to start, because I know for myself, I would really try to rationalize my behavior and I needed to cut it out. I needed to stop rationalizing my creepy ass behavior and just get real with myself and be like this isn't cool. What I'm doing is not OK.

Nichole [00:59:01] So empathize with the person. Get real with yourself that you are objectifying them, you're making them the center of your fantasy and they're not consenting to that. So see them as a full human versus just a list of what makes them your crush or your interest. This is really easy to fall into when you have a crush or interest. You can be like, oh my god, they have these amazing eyes and their laugh is incredible. And they do this really cute thing when they eat their sandwich at lunch every day, you know? Or you might be like, oh my god, this person is so smart and they write the most beautiful essays in English class and - I'm using high school examples, or school examples, because that's what it was for me. But it can be at a job, you know, whatever it is.

Nichole [00:59:46] But we just have this way of like reading all these traits onto someone that they haven't actually necessarily exhibited and we don't have the information of like what might not fit into our fantasy. And usually we willfully ignore it or try to weave it into this narrative that we've created for them. So just try to start seeing them as an actual full human being. Not a list of like, does this fit into my fantasy or not? But just who is this person as a person? I also ask you to consider the power dynamics at play as a way to humanize the other person. So you could consider that the other person might be insecure, the other person might be less privileged than you and feel threatened.

Nichole [01:00:34] So, again, don't get anxious about this, but just be real with yourself if you are, you know, I think about this a lot because I still will... I don't stare at people the way I used to, but I definitely will kind of, I have people I think are interesting. I can look at them, you know what I mean. Like, it's still something that I have to kind of keep control over. So I'm aware of the fact that I'm white. And if I see, like, a beautiful black woman and I like looking at her, I remind myself that I'm a white person staring at a black person that I don't know who doesn't know me, and that that would probably make them feel a certain way. So it helps me to rein that in and to remember myself in these situations. If you're a guy staring at a girl, same thing, like that is unfortunately threatening behavior for most women. So don't do it.

Nichole [01:01:39] No, but I know that's oversimplifying it. But I think that it's really easy for us, the reason I bring this up, it's not to make anyone feel bad. Again, it's to root us in just reality. First of all, I think that's super important. But I think also a lot of times we feel that our crush has all the power and we forget that they may be insecure, that they may be shy, or that we may have privilege over them. Right, because we feel so hopeless about them that we feel like they are just controlling everything. But, you know, at the end of the day, a lot of times there may be other power dynamics at play that make that person vulnerable and we have to be aware of that.

Nichole [01:02:20] And then I think talk to the person, if you can, in a safe and appropriate way for them. So this is extremely situational. You're going to have to be, you know, a mature person and figure out if talking to them is in any way appropriate. But a lot of times, getting to know someone better breaks the spell. You either realize they're not a good fit for you or you see them as more human and can actually move on to have a real relationship with them if you haven't ruined your odds by staring at them.

Nichole [01:02:51] So I know for myself, for instance, I've had, of course, plenty of people at work that have caught my eye. And even not in necessarily a creepy staring way, but in those ways where you're both kind of shy or whatever happens and you end up in the break room at the same time, but then you're too shy to talk, but then you keep catching each other at meetings or something. You know, catching each other's eye at meetings or whatever. And I found like if I just talk to the person, if I finally break the ice and just be the one to say hi, nine times out of ten, they have a girlfriend, which is why they haven't made a move. But also they're usually basic as fuck, you know what I mean? And I may have read all these things onto them that seem interesting or like radical politics, you know, like the kind of stuff that I would look for in someone I'd want to date. And then I talk to them and they're just like a boring, normal person, right. Nothing bad about them necessarily, but just someone who's, like, not as fascinating and exciting as I thought that they would be.

Nichole [01:03:54] So any time you can just try to skip over all the staring and the fantasizing and the building someone up in your head and just talk to them, just say hi, just say good morning, whatever it is. It usually for me has really helped. And then over time, it's also helped the behavior in general, because now I... now it's just harder for me to fantasize about a stranger because I think, eh, I'm going to spend all this energy and then they're going to turn out to be like, whatever anyway, so I might as well just like talk to them and not waste all this time.

Nichole [01:04:29] Channel your energy into things that you can control. So you want to channel your energy into like work and chores and hobbies and friends. And honestly, you know, this might be a controversial opinion, but I think even turning that sort of compulsive focus onto video games and Netflix and et cetera, can be a good short term, can be a good way to move from one to the other. So, again, this could end up being dangerous. This could just get you into new compulsive behavior and I've certainly struggled with that. I still struggle with that. But at the same time, like, I know that if I need to help myself deal with compulsive feelings, I can turn to things like video games and that does help. You know, it does help. It's just you have to be careful about not letting it go too far. And that's work that you have to do.

Nichole [01:05:20] But, you know, anything that you have control over can be really, really helpful. It can really help you start to feel like you have some kind of focus and some kind of forward movement and just be rooted in things that feel good in reality. Similarly, work to get those positive, tingly feelings from other places, too. So again, like work, friends, skills, hobbies, projects, dreaming about the future, vision boards, meditation are all really great ways to get those feelings. It might sound weird, but I get a lot of like dopamine and good positive neurochemicals from thinking about my creative projects and where I want them to go. Or thinking about a particular video I want to make or a particular episode I want to do. I really do. So I can, if I still need to dissociate or, you know, in a more productive, healthy way like daydreaming, I can do that and I can get a lot of that pleasure. It's not exactly the same, of course, but it's still a place I can go in my mind to get positive feelings and positive chemical responses from my body and my brain that doesn't rely on any particular person to provide those to me.

Nichole [01:06:39] Do grounding exercises to deal with dissociative coping mechanisms. So, again, you can listen to my episode before where I gave some of those tips, or you can just Google, you know, grounding exercises for dissociative disorders or dissociative behavior. So anything that's grounding for you is really going to help you come out of a place where you feel like you need to dissociate so often. And then, you know, if you have access to it in any sort of way, therapy or just self-work to see why you're so drawn to fantasy and really unpack that. So work to see the reality and facts of the situation. So this person is interesting and I would like to speak to them again, versus wow, this person is perfect! Like, heart eye emojis, you know, hashtag obsessed.

Nichole [01:07:37] Like just trying to - that really helped me a lot in reframing things is I, and friends who have known me for a while and known me through like dating phases, that is the language I use now, is I say, oh yeah, that person was interesting and I would love to have another conversation with them. And that's what I say versus like, oh my god, I met this person today and I'm like, wow, they're amazing! Even if they do seem amazing because I think it just helps keep them more human and it helps keep me from getting ahead of myself in a way that would be, frankly, unfair and dehumanizing to them.

Nichole [01:08:17] You know, this may shock you children, but your mother here, or your auntie, however you look at me, has been known to create some heart eye emoji reactions in other people along the way. And, you know, I've had this actually happen to me quite a bit. A lot of people see me as like a manic pixie dream girl type, which is so funny because it's like, no. But yeah, I've had people dehumanize me thinking I'm like, really perfect and being like so into me after talking to me for like five seconds. And I really don't like it. It makes me deeply uncomfortable. So I can just say that I know this kind of behavior seems like it's probably a compliment, but it's not. It's really uncomfortable.

Nichole [01:09:02] Because I'm like, you don't know me and you're now, I just feel every time I interact with a person like that, they're trying to, anything that conflicts with this idea and vision they have of me, they just ignore or deny. And, you know, it feels really objectifying. And I can tell that they've built up, like they put a lot of emotional pressure on me to be their romantic partner, because they've built up this idea of who I am, while they're actively denying my humanity and my, like the reality of me. And I get really offended when someone is going to say that they love me or that they are, like really like me when they're actively dismissing facts about me to make me fit into their fantasy. It really sucks.

Nichole [01:09:56] So just the more you can ground yourself of, you know, it's cool to have crushes, it's cool to be interested in people, but just try to keep it like chill, you know. Just try to be like, oh wow, this person seems funny and they seem like they'd be really fun to have a drink with or coffee with or whatever you like to do that's really low key. Or simply like, yeah, I would just like to have the opportunity to have another conversation with that person. That would be cool. Just keep it like that and keep it grounded in the process of getting to know who they really are versus the process of reaffirming your fantasy of them.

Nichole [01:10:38] Part of the self-work you can do is ask yourself, are you using this as an escape, as a way to feel potential stimulation without having to take a risk? Or as a way to make your life more interesting? Do you think this person is going to make everything better for you? Does this stem from trauma, from boredom, from fear? Can you ground yourself in real relationships and situations and step away from relying on fantasy? It's just questions to ask yourself. This would be like really good prompts to journal about, really look at like why am I so drawn to this fantasy?

Nichole [01:11:19] And I know for me it stems from like really deep attachment injuries. And I, deep down, don't feel that anyone's ever going to be safe for me. I don't feel like anyone's ever going to truly be there for me. Almost all of my relationships, romantic, parental and a few friendships, have been scary and unhealthy and abusive, frankly. And so, you know, I can see very easily why living in some fantasy of some other person is more attractive than, you know, wanting this to be a real thing that I have to expend emotional energy on and invest in and make myself vulnerable to.

Nichole [01:12:07] So just do work around that. Like, why am I drawn to this kind of behavior? Why am I doing this? And let that kind of drive what potential solutions could be for that. And yeah, just grounding yourself. It may be hard to ground yourself in real relationships and situations because you may have a really shitty life right now and things may really fucking suck for you. I have had so many times in my life where I was living in a state of constant dissociation because my life was fucking awful and there really wasn't much of anything in it that was good. And so that's OK, if that's your answer. Like that is OK. But it's a place to start, right? It's a place to start and at least be, you know, at least observe the behavior, where it's coming from and why it's there. And just be real with yourself. And then, you know, that's the first step.

Nichole [01:13:04] And think about, too, is this a way to self-harm or self-sabotage? You don't even allow something to be real before you create a fantasy out of it. So maybe knowing that acting this way will keep a gap between you and the other person is what's motivating it. And again, I do think that that was a big part of my own behavior. I used to think I was so desperate for this person to be with me. But when I think about it, I don't think that I actually really wanted that at all. I think I really did want to have this huge gap between us that allowed me to feel hopeless and in love and whatever. But it was a way to kind of like self-sabotage and even self-harm in a way, I think. I would lose so many hours fantasizing about this person. In a way, it would just make me not feel good, like even physically it would make me not feel good. And it was just this, yeah, it was just this maladaptive coping mechanism, so I had to start getting real with myself about that.

Nichole [01:14:10] And like now, you know, I still, the last couple of relationships I was in were very fucked up. Too long to talk about right now. We'll just sum it all up by saying they've all been really fucked up. And I have a lot of relationship trauma if I'm being real with y'all. And, you know, for me, I'm able to kind of subsist on my work that I do, my friendships, and parasocial crushes that I don't allow to get too far. And I think that's, you know, part of this advice here is like, can you check yourself when you feel this coming on? Like I think having parasocial crushes is fine and perfectly healthy within reason.

Nichole [01:15:08] So I will notice I allow myself to be like, oh, this person's like really cute and I like their personality and whatever. And, you know, I have a crush on, like, a lot of other you tubers, for instance. So I'll watch a bunch of their videos, but then I can feel when it's starting to get a little too like real and it's not quite fun anymore, and then I'll sort of like pull myself back. I wouldn't necessarily have to stop watching their videos, but I don't allow myself to indulge in fantasies about them and I don't allow myself to, like, binge their videos. And I have to really pull myself back when I start to think that I really know who they are and check myself and be like, you don't know them in real life, you know, just like stick to the facts.

Nichole [01:15:54] So I think, you know, it's not a behavior that might ever completely go away, but you can sort of put some controls on it so that it doesn't get unhealthy to the point where you're just staring at someone and making them really uncomfortable. Developing your sense of self, expanding your world and your interests as much as you can is really huge. I think a lot of times we do this because we don't have great relationships in our life and people we can connect with and maybe we don't have anything to focus our energy and attention on. So anything you can do for that. You know, I know it's hard right now especially with covid and with the economy in general. I think a lot of us are like living at home and a lot of us I mean, we know how hard it is to make friends as adults especially.

Nichole [01:16:45] But, you know, can you join a book club? Can you join some kind of special interest group? Can you study a skill that you've always wanted to learn, or whatever it is. You just have to find something to kind of expand out and give yourself the ability to meet people in a mutually beneficial way, right. Like in a way where you're both coming to the table over shared interests and that person is going to be, or those people hopefully, are going to be humanized to you right away. I think anything you can do where you can be on a team or be collaborating, even if it's like playing board games with other people, whatever it is. I just think connecting with other people, working with other people is really, really helpful.

Nichole [01:17:39] I know for me that that is really meaningful to my sense of self and my sense of grounding in reality. For instance, I have a WhatsApp group chat with a few other content creators that I'm really close to, and we all just obsessively talk about content creation and theory all the time. And it's such a wonderful thing, and I can put a lot of my compulsive energy into what we're talking about because we're constantly talking about stuff in that thread. So, you know, it's hard to find your people, I know. And I don't want to make anyone who's really lonely feel worse. But I can just say too, I've felt really lost and really lonely and I've had many times in my life when I didn't have any friends and just, I had to push forward.

Nichole [01:18:33] And also, like I had so many times where I was working constantly and just did not have the time or the funds to have friends, as weird as that might sound if you've never been in that position. But yeah, when you're working seven days a week, 80 hours a week and still not able to eat every day, it can be really hard to, like, make friends and feel OK with yourself. So some of these are possibly a bit more privileged than others and that's OK. But just do what you can.

Nichole [01:19:07] You know, I've had a lot of... For me, book clubs have been really sources of salvation because I love to read and I love to really talk at length about what I just read. So just find something that works with your personality and your interests and something that will set you up for success. Something that will be likely to expose you to the type of people who will like who you are. Book nerds are going to like that I'm like all obsessive about talking about details of the book, you know. Whereas, like, I never had success at going to cocktail hour meet ups because I'm bad at mingling and I'm bad at small talk and it just wasn't the type of people who want to, like, go deep usually.

Nichole [01:20:08] So yeah, set yourself up for success. This is not a time to, like, necessarily go outside your comfort zone, which is a concept that I actually hate and maybe will rant about at some point. This is time to, like, work within your comfort zone and just say, can I just push the boundaries of what my comfort zone is just a little bit? Can I invite some people in here with me? And that can be really, really helpful.

Nichole [01:20:52] So in conclusion, I just want to say, I know, dear listener, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to fixate on a total stranger. I also know what it's like to fixate on a best friend. I think my friend and I, like, were either hyper fixated on each other, or were each other's special interests. So I know the full scope of how this can be. I know what it's like to be fixated on someone and what it's like to be fixated on by someone. I know how deliciously painful it is to crush on somebody like that and to look at them with intensity and hope and hurt and potential, all beating at the same time in your chest.

Nichole [01:21:35] And I also know the freedom of making peace with reality. With humanizing the other person until they don't bring that intensity to you anymore. Of letting go of the fantasy and of centering yourself in your own life and taking steps to be active within your own reality. It's possible, and I swear to you, I swear to you, it's ultimately a lot better. Now when I have wants and needs, I almost always can fulfill them in some way, or at least can take concrete steps towards them, which is something I couldn't do when I was living in a fantasy. Fantasies are addictive for that reason. Nothing in real life can give you that feeling so you have no real incentive to leave them.

Nichole [01:22:16] So do what you can to build new neural pathways, new habits, new sources of joy, happiness or at least contentment, and build up the relationships you have in your life. Only the good ones, though. Ditch the bad ones. That can be really great too. Once I got rid of toxic ex-boyfriends, life got a lot better. Make peace with yourself and enjoy being with yourself. Bring yourself home in your body. It's all we can do and eventually it's pretty OK. You know, I can't oversell reality because reality can suck. And a lot of times, for us to be active in reality means making peace with, meh, or with, this is all right. But it is ultimately a better and more enjoyable way to live.

Nichole [01:23:09] So just humanize the other person. Be soft with yourself, try to understand where it's coming from and just make steps to do whatever you can do to make being here, being in your body, present with yourself and present with your current life as tolerable, and dare I even say, joyful as you can. And just work to expand your world and practice with your brain on how to generate some of those happy chemicals without needing another person to provide them for you.

Nichole [01:23:48] All right, my loves. Well, that's all I've got for today. Thank you for listening. I will see you in two weeks when I answer the question, "Am I still straight if I date a trans person?" with my dear friend Everett. Longtime listeners will be unsurprised to know that our take on it is a bit more nuanced than the typical response that you hear online. And as a reminder, if you have a question you'd like me to answer, please send it to pynkspots@gmail.com. Until then, remember kids, respect humanity, not authority.

Nichole [01:24:33] Hey Pynko, thanks for tuning in. If you enjoyed the show, consider supporting it by making a monthly contribution on Patreon by going to patreon.com/pynkspots. You can also make a one-time donation on Venmo to @pynkspots or on PayPal by using the link in the show notes below. Your donations help support a disabled neuroqueer anarchist live off her creative work and that's pretty damn cool.