Pynk Spots

How to be Productive as a Disabled, Chronically Ill, and/or Neurodivergent Person

May 04, 2021 Nic

Info

Pynk Spots

May 04, 2021

Nic

Today I slip into some good 'ol unsolicited advice inspired by recent conversations with other disabled, neurodivergent, and anxious comrades around the topic of productivity.

I give my perspective on "productivity" as an inherently violent capitalist concept and then dive deep into some tips on how I manage to get things done while experiencing near-constant pain, fatigue, and low executive function.

Thomas Merton Quote:
"To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of our activism neutralizes our work for peace. It destroys our own inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of our own work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful."

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Nichole [00:00:11] Welcome to Pynk Spots, a queer anarchist space where we smash the patriarchy by celebrating what is strong about being soft. Here we'll explore what is vulnerable, raw, hurt, healed, sensual, queer and controversial. So join me and my friends from around the Internet as we talk about deep shit and prove, as Janelle Monáe said, that pink is the truth you can't hide.

Nichole [00:00:44] Hey, everyone. Those who know me well might be like, what is up with the title of this podcast, it seems very unlike you? To which I say, clickbait, baby! No, but for real, though, I have been able to be more quote-unquote, productive lately. And although I wasn't asked necessarily a direct question on this, I figure hey man, I can give advice even if it's unsolicited. I have had some conversations with other friends, just kind of in general, not necessarily about how I be or feel productive, but just about these topics in general. And many of us are dealing with disability, neurodivergence, mental illness, or a, you know, fiery mix of all three. So I've just thought that this might be something worthwhile to put out into the world. And of course, trust me, babes, it's going to come out of my very staunch, anticapitalist approach to life. So don't you worry, long-time listeners, I haven't sold out. I promise.

Nichole [00:01:55] For those of you who might be listening who are like new, or like what the fuck, I actually want some real tips. Today is going to be a blend of theory and philosophy with, I promise, actual actionable tips of what helps me stay productive, what's been working for me so far. So, a little something for everybody. And really the reason I wanted to do this is because I feel very strongly that so many of us who are neurodivergent and/or are disabled are, you know, needing, there's just things in life that have to get done, right. And like our quality of life can suffer if we're not able to do these things. And unfortunately, we often don't have the support that we need.

Nichole [00:02:45] And then on top of that, you know, we're like anyone else. We have dreams, we have aspirations, we have goals, we have interests. And, you know, it can be really devastating and it can make day-to-day life almost unbearable if we feel like we're unable to at least make progress towards important goals. So, you know, again, people who have known me for a while know that I've been a content creator, as much as we all love that term, for six years now. I've really been some kind of creative my whole life, but formerly on the Internet for about six years now. And I, you know, have a deep passion for it. And my kind of purpose in life is very oriented around the things that I put out on the Internet. It feels that vital to me.

Nichole [00:03:42] And my worst moments have come when I have felt that I may be unable to achieve any of my goals, that I might be unable to create the pieces of media that I really deeply want to create. And so I want to do whatever I can to help out my disabled and neurodivergent comrades be able to feel like at least there's some hope, there's some forward movement so that we can participate in the things that we really genuinely want to participate in.

Nichole [00:04:18] So I do also want to say, part of me being productive means that I'm recording these episodes ahead of time and prescheduling them. So I just want to say, if you're a person who has donated to my Patreon or PayPal in the last few weeks, I am not not saying your name because I'm not grateful. I'm not saying your name because it hasn't happened yet. So hello time travel. How magical. I will thank everyone in batches on a future episode and just know that that may be how things have to happen. Of course, I would love to be more timely, but realistically I have figured out that prerecording works really, really well for me to keep ahead of schedule, to keep on schedule I should say. So there may be instances where it goes a little while, but just know I do see everything when it comes in and I really appreciate it quite a bit. It makes a big difference. So, thank you.

Nichole [00:05:19] So before we get into any of my actual tips, I want to talk about productivity for a moment. Now, I absolutely hate the word productive or productivity. I hate the entire concept. I think it's rooted in meritocracy. I think it's honestly a violent concept that orients people's value around what their body can produce for the state. I think it's something that causes so many of us anxiety and grief that we can't be as productive as we perceive other people to be. Even as a disabled person who is honestly not able to do very much in a day at all, I still have many people who think that I am highly productive and are intimidated by what I do. So I have insider knowledge to how skewed our perception of someone else's productivity can be in comparison to our own.

Nichole [00:06:25] All to say that this concept is something that is inherently nebulous. It's inherently disproportionate, right. It's inherently something that is always going to feel skewed against your favor. It's always going to feel like you're not doing as much as the next guy. Even if the next guy measurably is doing less than you, it will never feel that way. And in the instances that it does feel that way, then it just perpetuates this sense of you being better than the other person, right. Like, I felt that way so many times in my life and I can admit it. You know, I have looked at other people that I perceived to be less productive than me and then thought, well, at least I'm not that guy.

Nichole [00:07:13] So I do think this entire concept of productivity is really quite violent. And so I want to say today, when I talk about how to be productive as a disabled and/or neurodivergent person, I am defining productivity as a violent capitalist concept and our need to be productive is our need, our attempt, to survive and perhaps even dare to thrive under a system that is violent against us. So just understand that that's what I'm saying. I am not talking about being productive as in this is going to make you a better person. This is going to make you someone that other people look at and are like, wow, look at how productive that person is. I'm talking about our ability to, not even our ability, but our desire, to survive and to find bits of joy and success in this life. And how we can try to do that in a system that is extremely violent. Against us, against everyone honestly. But against us in particular in regards to today's topic.

Nichole [00:08:32] So, oh, there's so many small things that I do. And I just want to be very clear that, you know, again, I am not hyper productive. I am not productive on an able-bodied person's level. But I have managed in the last few weeks, months, years, you know, depending on where I'm looking at it, to at least get to a point where I can achieve some of my goals. I can take care of myself, and I can kind of at least feel day to day that I have shit mostly under control. And a big piece of that was reframing my priorities and what my idea of productivity was, which we'll talk about.

Nichole [00:09:21] But I do feel like along the way I've come up with some pretty solid tips that work for me, and as with anything, this is extremely personal. This is really going to depend on what resources you have access to, how your chronic illness or your disability or your neurodivergence presents itself, who you might have around you to help. I don't have anyone really to help me out. So this is all stuff that I had to come up with by myself. But, you know, if you have a partner or someone who might be able to help you out, maybe you'll be able to achieve more and take things further and come up with your own stuff. So just take this as things to think about and maybe give it a try and see what works for you and what doesn't. I would never present myself as someone who has definitive answers really for anything, but especially something as personal as this.

Nichole [00:10:16] Certain things I say may be completely inaccessible to you, and that's OK. You know, I am presenting this stuff fully aware that a lot of this is not going - I, well really all of it is not going to apply to every single person. But I'm hoping that some of this can just be useful and help and get you on the right path.

Nichole [00:10:38] So my absolute number one tip is be realistic about what you can do. This may sound obvious. I may or may not have rolled my eyes at this years ago. But I have, so I quit my job at the end of 2019, and I really thought after like, a few months of rest, weeks to months of rest, I was going to be like this fucking machine. Right, that I was just going to be able to put out all this stuff and do all these things and be this kind of person that I wanted to be. And, you know, I'm here, as of this recording, about a year and a half later and I'm still struggling. I got very burnt out at the end of my last year. I was already struggling with chronic illness for over a decade and it just got to this incredibly dangerous, extreme point because of my work and travel schedule and other factors.

Nichole [00:11:42] And yeah, my body is not OK. Like, and I haven't bounced back. I haven't found a way to heal from any of this. Things are kind of gradually, as of right now, getting a bit better. But it is a slow fucking climb. And I definitely have days where all I can do is sleep. And it's hard for me emotionally to grapple with that.

Nichole [00:12:06] So I have had to, and I, this all kind of culminated with me needing to do my taxes, which I think I mentioned in a previous episode. And my taxes were something that had been draining the life out of me for over two years, basically, because I had my last two years of taxes I needed to file. And, you know, it was this thing that I had to come to terms with the fact that it was giving me so much anxiety all the time. And it was one of these things that was draining me constantly. And so I had to be real with myself about getting this done.

Nichole [00:12:48] And I think just this final... It kind of broke me a little bit where I had to just be like, all right, I just really have to figure out how to start executing on things that really, really need to be done. Because when I don't, these are things that literally caused me to lose sleep, caused me to be anxious, caused me to lose focus, caused me to feel more exhausted than I, you know, even than I normally do. And I just can't... I can't physically do it. I can't physically continue to allow tasks that feel overwhelming to hang for, in this case, literally years over my head, draining the life out of me.

Nichole [00:13:39] So anyway, I had kind of my quote-unquote like come to Jesus moment where I was like, all right, I've got to really fucking, like, be real with myself about how much I can actually do, and then structure my days around that. Because also, people who follow me wherever may also know, you know, I just made this podcast its own thing. I have a YouTube channel under the same name and now different content. I'm in the process of trying to launch a new channel that I've dreamed about for years doing media analysis. And I want to do, you know, well-edited, well-produced, long-form video essay analyses over on that channel, which means a lot of time.

Nichole [00:14:31] And yeah, I just was very stuck for a while, I wasn't able to really make progress on any of this. So I had to sit down with myself - also, I'm doing contract work now, so that was another thing that came in where I'm like, I have to be able to meet these deadlines in order to do this contract work. So when I paid attention to my body and when I was just really brutally honest with myself, through experimentation and through just like really checking in with myself and making notes, I have discovered that I can only work - and I'm giving work a very broad definition here. I can only work four to five hours a day, max. Max. And if it's something super stressful, like taxes, it may be less than that.

Nichole [00:15:23] And in that, like, if I work a five-hour day, I'm tapped out. Like I probably will not be able to exercise. I will have a very hard time eating on time, and my blood sugar is something that like, I have to keep it stable or else it really negatively impacts my health, and it will impact me for days, not just that day. So nowadays, occasionally there's an exception, but for the most part, I will only schedule a four hour workday at the most. What is maximally productive for me is to do three to four hours of work. And when I say a broad definition work, this includes, you know, work as most people know it. It also includes studying, reading, podcasting, live streaming, hosting a book club, all things that I do. Scripting, anything like that. So any kind of really input-output scenario to me is considered work.

Nichole [00:16:24] And now, of course, I don't necessarily mean reading for pleasure. So it's more reading for, like reading for a book club, reading something that's like informative or educational or more dense. But yeah, so max of three to four hours a day. Usually, I know I should take a quick nap, even if I just kind of like lay down for 15 minutes to give my brain a rest, give my body a break and just like a moment to reset. And then do up to one hour of exercise and/or chores. And then that is a really good balanced day where I can actually go to bed on time. Because if I overwork, I tend to weirdly stay up too late. When I get overly exhausted and tired and overly stimulated, then I'll end up staying up really late and my sleep schedule gets all fucked up. So that gets me a day where I can end the day normally on time and I can wake up the next day with no negative effects from the day before.

Nichole [00:17:31] I can technically, and I have, put in up to 10 hours of work, but that, I started to notice a pattern of when I would do that. Because it was hard for me to really understand where my limits were for a long time, because a lot of stuff just all felt like my chronic illness being random and unmanageable and just, you know, who knows why things are happening. But over time, as I started to be really, really intentional about paying attention to how my body feels day to day and what might have caused it, I started to realize that any time I pushed it beyond, you know, especially beyond five hours of work, that would end up knocking me out for up to three days afterwards.

Nichole [00:18:22] So you might think like, oh, just push it for a day, and then maybe you're like slightly lighter the next day but then like overall, you're still getting more work done. No. What would happen is I would do say, eight or ten hours of work on one day, and then not be able to work for three days afterwards, like at all. And also, other stuff would fall by the wayside, like cooking good meals for myself and exercising and things like that. So 10 hours would end up costing me what could have been, you know, say, 12 additional hours. So I realized that, like, net-net, it is actually way more productive for me to do the three to four hours of really intense work, you know, like good quality, high focus kind of work, and then cut it off.

Nichole [00:19:13] And not necessarily all in a row either, like taking breaks has been helpful. But just in a day, getting that much work done, good quality work, and then shutting it down. Making sure I'm also attending to my physical needs and my, like, housekeeping needs and then moving on. And as I've been doing that more consistently, I have actually been able to get things done every single day instead of having these times of like just being completely wiped out and not being able to do anything for three days after pushing it for one day.

Nichole [00:19:52] So again, this is where I want to pause. I don't want to, like, fill this with caveats. I hope people can just take everything in good faith. But I know for some of you, your chronic illness does not work that way. I know that you will just have days where you absolutely can't do anything and so totally understand. I've been there as well when my burnout was worse. Like, I definitely, definitely get that. So just take it for what it is. I know for some of you, you're just going to only have a few good days. And I guess to apply this theory to that, I would just say when you do have your good days, don't overextend yourself.

Nichole [00:20:31] And I know it's hard because that's how I used to feel like, whoa, I actually have energy today, like at all, you know. Me having energy is so, is probably like someone else's like, kind of blah day. But yeah, if I had like any bit of energy, I'm like, oh shit, I need to do everything today because this is one of the few days I'm going to have energy. But it just, in the end, ended up like making everything worse. So just make sure to scale back.

Nichole [00:20:58] One of the most helpful things I learned from one of my health care practitioners was that you actually need energy to sleep. Because I always had this, I've always struggled with insomnia. That's a big part of my chronic illness. And I always thought, like, oh, well I should be, like, exhausting myself so that I can sleep and also so that I can get as much done as possible. Because, you know, generally I feel like I'm not getting enough done. And yeah, she told me, like, you actually need to reserve, like, a good amount of energy, like probably at least 20 percent of your energy to sleep, because sleep is like such a healing activity. And it's just what your body and your brain need. If you get overtired, then your body doesn't actually shut down for rest and repair the way that you would think, you know, intuitively that it would.

Nichole [00:21:53] So I think this concept for me was really powerful and it kind of took a while to sink in to how I actually show up in a day and how I treat my body and schedule my stuff, but now that it has, it's been really, really helpful. And I do think for me, things that have been really critical within that kind of structure of a day is, you know, eating on time, eating enough. My chronic illness has made me put on a lot of weight. So it's frustrating to me because I think other people probably think I, like, eat all the time or eat a lot or overeat. And actually, I typically, in a typical day, I don't actually eat enough. And that's a huge problem for me.

Nichole [00:22:40] I think anyone who has like adrenal or thyroid issues, I think, and probably other conditions as well, it's really important for us to keep our blood sugar stable. And it's very easy for us to not eat enough. For so many reasons, which I won't go into now. But anyway, that was another kind of radical thing for me, was really paying attention to days when I got up, like I have to eat the moment I wake up. Like not literally that quick, but almost. And that was kind of a big thing for me to realize. Like, I wake up hungry and I need to eat. And I've actually had to start doing like, you know, a high protein snack with some fiber before bed, like literally right before bed, because it helps me - part of why I couldn't sleep through the night was that my blood sugar would crash in my sleep and I would wake up at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning just absolutely, like, dangerously hungry.

Nichole [00:23:45] Like, I don't know how many of you have ever been hungry where you feel scared? Like you feel that you might, I don't know, go into like glycemic shock or something. But I've had that several times in my life and I would wake up at like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning with that level of hunger, but also, weirdly, no appetite at all. So I would be just so hungry, so tired, and no appetite. And a lot of times I would just stay in bed because I didn't really actually want to eat anything and I wouldn't really be able to go back to sleep. And I was just so exhausted, I felt like I couldn't get up and do anything. And I have had so many days like that.

Nichole [00:24:28] So, you know, really embracing that my body needs food no matter what other people may think. I need food. I need regular food. I need it whenever I need it. I often, I really should be eating before I'm even hungry, which is something like I haven't been able to quite master yet. But, you know, taking this time and making - for me, because I have to do it myself, I'm on a strict budget so I have a farmer's box from the CSA which gives me produce for like a really good price. And then I just buy a few other items to eat with that, like legumes and stuff like that.

Nichole [00:25:16] So I'm often cooking from scratch or from near scratch. Honestly wish that I didn't need to do that, which really sucks because I actually love cooking. But right now I just find it such a time energy suck. And, yeah, this is one area of my life where I was like, ooh if I had a live-in partner who cooked, it would just be amazing. Or, you know, if I could afford to get like premade meals or delivery more often, like that would be so nice. But here we are.

Nichole [00:25:52] So I bring all this up because, first of all, maybe hopefully it's helpful to some of you because I feel like so many fucking people are suffering from thyroid/adrenal/blood sugar issues, that odds are if you're listening to this because you're chronically ill, then this might relate to you as well. But also because, you know, I think able-bodied people don't really understand the full scope of what it means to have to look at every single activity in your day as an activity.

Nichole [00:26:29] I've mentioned this before, but I will plan out my day. So I guess this is another tip, is like I will plan out, like I'll write down what HAS to get done that day. And a big part of this being realistic about what I can do in a day is be more realistic about what to put on my day's to-do list, right. Like I would just put the most ridiculous amount of things and it, like obviously was never going to get done. And then I'd feel like a piece of shit because, you know, I was only able to check off like one or two things from a list of like 20. So that is a skill that I think it takes some time to develop is to like really be able to know what you can do in a day.

Speaker 2 [00:27:15] I now really look at, like the texture of the things that I'm doing as an autistic person, as an introvert. And I think those two are very closely tied together. I have to be very careful about literally how much I talk in a day because talking is quite draining to me. And so on a day like today where I'm recording a podcast episode, I also did a book club today so this is probably actually not great. Like I probably shouldn't be recording today, but I felt like I had the energy and the motivation to do it.

Nichole [00:27:52] So I also have a bunch of video messages from my friends and voice notes that I would love to respond to, but listening and responding to them tonight would be a fucking disaster. So I know to move those tasks - and yes, I actually write on my to-do list, respond to, like this voice note, respond to this video message. Move that to tomorrow and probably try to like spread it out over two or three days. You know, so maybe do voice notes one day, video messages on another day. I have to be really careful of that.

Nichole [00:28:31] On a day that I live stream, the live stream, I have to have my lights up and I have to be talking in real-time to a live audience which takes a lot of, you know, you're just constantly like really thinking about what you're going to say, and you're trying not to make mistakes, and you're trying to be interesting. And I'm almost always collaborating with someone else or two other people so I'm also trying to facilitate a conversation which is not a skill of mine. At least not like a natural skill of mine.

Nichole [00:29:03] So on recording days, live stream days, I'm fuckin wiped. And I literally, on a live stream day, the only thing I have on my list to do is live stream. And that's it. And that's hard for me because a lot of times the live stream is anywhere from two to four hours. So there's just so much more day, right, to be had around that. But honestly, after that, if I can also maybe sneak in a little yoga video and make like good healthy meals. I mean, even on live stream days, it's very hard for me to eat enough and eat on time, so like that also compounds it.

Nichole [00:29:43] So I know this is a lot about like me and what I do, but I'm hoping that even if you have like, a very different life, you can kind of see what I'm getting at. You might be a person, like back when I had a desk job, the biggest thing I struggled with is that when I had a desk job, I just really couldn't do anything else. It just took everything out of me. And that's a struggle. And I really feel for anyone listening who is working a full-time job and is also dealing with disability or with, you know, neurodivergence that isn't being accommodated in a way where you're not feeling... Where you're feeling very drained from it. I don't think neurodivergence in and of itself is actually a disability, but the way that people... The way the world is structured, you know, basically creates a disability out of it.

Nichole [00:30:41] Like, I could have stayed at my job and thrived if I had been allowed to work four hours a day. And the reality of the situation was, I could get all my work done in four hours a day, but that's not how capital works. Capital needs us strapped to a desk for eight hours a day, and the eight hours is just too much. It's way too much for me. So, yeah, so look at, you know, look at what you have on your schedule. Really start to pay attention and understand too, what something is going to take out of you, and then try to break up related tasks over different days if they're very draining. So I am constantly hyper aware when I schedule my to-dos because so much of my work is talking, to be very careful about how much talking I'm doing in a day. And I'm not great about it. There are definitely days when I do too much, and I suffer for it every single time. I'm like, yep, here we go.

Nichole [00:31:45] So just look at what you do. Look at what is the most draining. Look at whatever support you can get to take tasks off your plate. Look at how you schedule your day. You know, I never was able to really healthfully work a full eight-hour day, but I was able to at least make it slightly less terrible by scheduling the tasks in my day, and in my week, in a certain way that allowed for me to not be quite as drained day-to-day as I had been before, when I was just kind of like going in and working on stuff. Like I started to set really hard boundaries with my coworkers about having blackout hours on my calendar where it's like, do not contact me. I need to just be focused and live in a thing.

Nichole [00:32:33] Again, as someone with autism, like, it is very hard for me to switch tasks around. It's very hard for me to get motivated to work on a task. So to have people pulling my attention off something constantly was not helpful for me. I am someone who does a lot better - I do like switching things off during the day. I sometimes like to focus on something the whole time if I'm like obsessed with it. But often it was much more productive for me to come into the day and say, OK, this week I have two or three different projects or high level items that I'm working on. What do I kind of feel like I'm in the mood for? And I would work on something for an hour or two and then maybe in the afternoon switch to something else. And I would allow myself the space to flow that way.

Nichole [00:33:29] But again, I had a lot of privilege in that sense that I was able to do that with my projects. So may or may not work for you. But just at least try. If you can figure out what you need and what would work better for you, at least try to advocate for yourself. And you might be surprised at people being more accommodating than you think they would be. Like whenever I've introduced this idea of me having, like, project time where it's like do not disturb, I need to get into this. I actually, people are much more receptive to it than I thought that they would be.

Nichole [00:34:05] And my team actually ended up adopting a lot of the same boundaries for themselves as a whole so that we could all get - because we were like a very project-based team - so that we as a team could just be more productive. So at least give it a shot, you know. And that goes for, I mean, we're all at home right now too, right? And that goes for doing your best with your family and whoever else might be distracting you, to say, you know, like I have to focus in for two hours, you have to leave me alone and this is what I'm going to be doing. So set those boundaries if you can.

Nichole [00:34:47] More to, kind of more on the psychological side of being realistic about what you can do. For me, it can take literal years for me to actually execute something. And some listeners might be laughing because they have seen this happen in real-time. And I have just become OK with that. I have become OK with the fact that I am a person who has limited capacity and really big, exciting, passionate ideas. So sometimes I have an idea that I do not have the time-energy, the resources, the space, the ability, to execute for a very long time. And that doesn't make me or my ideas or my goals or my passions any less valid.

Nichole [00:35:41] We have a really, really fucking toxic narrative in our culture that - at least in the US, I don't know about other places - that, you know, I can't tell you how many times I've told people something like I want to write a novel when I'm in my 50s or 60s, because I know that to write a novel, or at least the novel that I want to write, I want to just live in it. I want to be, you know, so it's something I picture doing when I'm retired. Although, how do anarchists retire? Please tell me if you ever find out. And, you know, so I would say something like that at like a dinner party or a work lunch, and I cannot tell you how many times people have been like, well, that is just lazy, or you must not really want it. Like if you really wanted to write a novel, you would find time now and you would have already done it.

Nichole [00:36:39] And I just think that that's so fucking toxic and so rude also. Like, who the fuck are you, random coworker? Get the fuck out of here. But also it's tied into this weird cultural thing that we have. It's very bizarre. Our culture creates this... We exonerate the entrepreneur, right. And we've created the gig economy out of the violence of like low wage jobs and outsourcing. And yet, you know, so we're always praising people's like, get-up-and-go, and like, doing their own thing. And yet at the same time, people really do look down on creatives and entrepreneurs as people who just talk a big game and never do anything. Or people who are not successful. Or people who, like, think they deserve better than like a regular working person so they're going to go it on their own and then, you know, they're just failures.

Nichole [00:37:43] And so it's just very weird. It's a very weird dichotomy. And I have definitely felt that whenever I've talked about creative projects or creative dreams that I have, where people are like, well, basically if you haven't done it already and it isn't already successful, then you're a fucking loser and you should stop talking about it. And I really internalized that for a long time. And so every time I would have an idea and I would get really excited about it and I would just, you know, talk about it and talk about it, talk about it. If I wasn't able to immediately execute on it, then I would feel like I had failed.

Nichole [00:38:18] And then, you know, but over the ebb and flow of my life, I have seen so many of these things that I've wanted to do, I've done them. Not all of them. And sometimes you just realize, like an idea is not a good idea or the moment's passed or, you know, it was something that you were into at one point, but now it doesn't really apply anymore. I had a food blog that did fairly well for a little while, it was a vegan food blog. And I just realized one day that I hated taking pictures of my food. I absolutely hate it. And I also, frankly, hate testing recipes. I hate writing recipes.

Nichole [00:39:01] So I was a pretty shit food blogger when it came down to it because I didn't actually like any of the aspects of food blogging. So does that mean I failed? No, I'm glad I tried it. I'm glad I had the little bit of success that I had. When I say success, I just mean that, like, my Instagram account was pretty poppin for a while. I didn't actually make any money from it. But, you know, like, I'm glad I had the experience of that because I had the experience of working on something that was actually kind of starting to work and gain traction, but realizing that it wasn't something that was sustainable because I did not have like a sustainable passion for it.

Nichole [00:39:41] And it's hard because I come up with recipes all the time. And everything I cook is really like, simple and usually like whole food and delicious. And I want to share that with the world. But I just had to be real with myself that I literally hate every single thing about food blogging and recipe creations. So like that just has to be a gift I give to my friends and my loved ones, like people that I cook for, you know. It doesn't need to be... Not all your passions need to be commodified, peeps.

Nichole [00:40:19] So anyway, anyway. I just think that coming to terms with this, coming to terms with the fact - and honestly, also, I don't know if any of you feel this way, but for me, I have started to realize, I think it might be also part of my autism, where I do have really big ideas and I get really passionate and I have these special interests. And I can stay excited about an idea for years. Like I can maintain that level of excitement. And I think part of the condescension from other people, is people who have ideas, but then they lose them quickly and then move on to something else, which I don't agree with. I don't think that that's something to look down on.

Nichole [00:41:07] But I'm just saying, like also I've come to realize that that is not how I function. I do actually stay very excited about ideas for a very long time. And again, with the time-energy thing, I just feel like I experience time differently than other people. Like three years to me is not a long time. And it may be because I have to parse things out so, you know, so small, in such little pockets. And like, I have to take a much more realistic view of how long something is going to take me, that to me, yeah, if it takes me a few years to do something, like to me, that's not really actually a long time, I'm pretty proud of that.

Nichole [00:41:45] But also I think being autistic, like I, and just my personality and the way my brain works, like if I'm into something, I probably want to research it a whole lot and talk about it, because the talking is part of the exploring and the learning and the polishing the idea and like really getting my thoughts clear on it. So that whole time of talking about a thing before I do it is actually part of the process of doing it. And it took me a while to realize that and to actually be proud of that and to own it. And so now when these things happen, like I am embarrassed that I haven't gotten my other channel up and running yet. But, I can also, like I'm coming around to, like, trying to release that shame and to see that, like, whenever I do launch it, like, first of all, I'm the one setting the deadlines, you know. So it's like, stop doing that and then 90 percent of your problem is going to go away.

Nichole [00:42:45] But also when I do launch it, it is going to be, it's only... The longer it takes me to launch it, the better it's going to be because in that time I've been like taking a video editing class, and I've been writing scripts and I've been, you know, talking to other people. Like really going over a piece of media over and over and watching other people's videos to get ideas of like how I want to present my information. And so when it does happen, it's going to be this accumulation of this like love and passion and vision, and I don't think it's going to suffer for not getting out earlier.

Nichole [00:43:29] So I just have to, like, own that, you know? I have to own that it's going to take as long as it's going to fucking take, and that's it. Just do it when you do it. And like, you know, I just try to, I keep my anxiety down by making, like, sure every week I do at least one small thing to work towards it. And then, yeah, the rest of the time I'm just like, babe, I'm out here surviving. I'm out here getting done what I need to get done. Like, that's just how it is right now.

Nichole [00:44:00] So giving yourself space and time to get to things when you can actually get to them, and to understand that no matter what, you're always probably going to be wrong about when that is. It's always going to be longer than you think. And it's probably always going to take longer once you start working on it than you think.

Nichole [00:44:22] And to just do as much personal, like deep work as you can with being OK with that. And just saying, like, you know, as long as - I don't even want to say that. Like, you're just a fuckin person doing your best, and that's OK. That's enough. So just making peace with that, internalizing that, and just like moving forward, I think is really, really important.

Nichole [00:44:50] Related to what I was just talking about, I think for me, figuring out when something needs to be good enough and when it really should be, you know, perfect, as loaded as that word is, was really important for me. So, for instance, I want to start this channel, this other channel for media analysis. I also want to start doing prerecorded videos on my Pynk Spots channel on YouTube. I'm in the process, I'm taking a video editing class right now. And so I have like these really huge dreams about what my first video for the media analysis channel is going to be like. And I really do think it's important for it to be, not perfect, but to be really good.

Nichole [00:45:40] I think it needs to look professional. I think it needs to be interesting and well-edited and tightly scripted. And it just needs to be really good because I'm going to use it, obviously, to launch the channel, and specifically to go out to other creators who bump smaller projects to use that as the video I send them to be like, hey, can you watch this? And then if you like it or like, you know, you don't have any problem with it, can you promote it to your audience?

Nichole [00:46:12] So to me, it does make sense for me to take longer for that to make sure that it's really good quality before launching because it is going to be really important. But then afterwards, the videos I do on that channel, a lot of them can be much like, I don't want to say lower quality, but I think you all know what I mean. Like lower production value or investment. They can be lower maintenance, they can be more casual. I don't need every video to be like at that level.

Nichole [00:46:44] And then also for my own, for my other channel, Jesus. For this channel, for Pynk Spots, I definitely don't need the video to be at that level. I just want to start doing kind of quick and dirty, shorter videos because the live streams are so long that I would like to have some more accessible content on the channel. So I decided that even though my media analysis channel is a higher priority overall, I'm actually going to prioritize doing a video for Pynk Spots first because I can get that out quicker. And it's also going to give me the experience that I need in editing, you know, at least some of it. It'll get me started on like having practical video editing experience to then help me actually make that final product for the media analysis channel better.

Nichole [00:47:41] So I don't know how that might apply to you, but I do think that that is something that can apply in a lot of different ways. I think there's a lot of ways that we prioritize things that may not actually work in our best favor, as disabled/neurodivergent/chronically ill people. I think a lot of times things are, you know, there's obviously deadlines and things. And that's like with my taxes, right? Like I, like there came a moment when I'm like, OK, I have to get this done now. Not because it was tax deadline just yet, but because I knew it would be really hard to find an accountant and I'm at the point where I need one, and I had to get this shipped together. And also it was just like killing me, like it was sapping my ability to do anything else that I didn't have this thing done.

Nichole [00:48:36] So even that. You know, there can be, I think you have to come up with your own internal system of how to prioritize what you're going to do and what you're going to work on. And you really have to wipe away any external factors except for critical deadlines. Because I know, like for my pride, I want to get the other channel out because I've been talking about it for so long and people know that it's something I've been trying to do. But for actually what is best for my long-term goals, that is not the cadence that should happen, that's not actually the order of operations. And so I have to be cool with that like I have to see that and I have to acknowledge that and go with it.

Nichole [00:49:20] So see in your own life how these things might work. Like for me, so another tip I have is to schedule in exercise, anything you consider self-care. Anything you consider like the maintenance and daily chores of being in a flesh suit. You know, whatever that looks like for you. I've done a lot of research on my condition and issues that I've been having, and especially new issues that have cropped up in quarantine where I thought I was going to be thriving because I'd be able to rest all the time. But I've actually had more issues crop up and a common thread in there was a lack of exercise.

Nichole [00:50:06] So I have now, exercise is part of what I do almost every day. I still can't do much so that may just look like a 10-minute yoga video. Or that may, depending on the day and how I feel, could be, you know, a two to four mile walk/I can't really run, but like casual jog intervals. Or, you know, maybe a little like workout video, something with like strength training or cardio or whatever. So that to me, like it took a very, very long time. But exercise and food, as I was kind of mentioning before, have officially, finally, actually become literally as important to me as getting work done.

Nichole [00:50:59] And I internalize, Sonya Renee Taylor, at some point last year during the lockdown, had an Instagram video about how, like we have to redefine productivity. And that part of, like that tending to our bodies, self-care, trying not to get sick, you know, speaking in terms of like Coronavirus. Taking care of our mental health during lockdown, like all of these things are productive. And we need to, like, truly, deeply accept and internalize that. That these aspects of being a human and trying to have the best life that we can, dealing with fear. I mean, how much fear and anxiety have we been dealing with now for more than a year? Like that is draining, and that is something that needs to be tended to. So whatever we need to do to have these things in our life, to have like a full, well-rounded life, need to be seen as productive.

Nichole [00:52:13] And I was resistant to that for a long time because I had multiple eating disorders because, you know, your girl's an overachiever. And I also got into what I've heard referred to as like exercise bulimia, where I would essentially, you know, try to exercise off all the calories I'd eat in a day plus some. And I would just work out for like hours and hours a day. And one of the things that I had internalized at that, you know, there are several reasons for this. And autistic people, I believe people with ADHD as well, are very prone - I think all of us neurodivergent people honestly, are very prone to eating disorders. So a lot of you can probably relate.

Nichole [00:52:58] But one of the many things I had internalized that kind of drove this was that like, you know, there's merit and value in a person who exercises, right, that exercise is an activity that shows that you're a productive, virtuous person. And it says something about you to be a person who exercises. So I was really resistant to seeing exercise as part of my productivity and part of like a thing that I really should do every day. And I'm certainly not prescribing this to anyone else. I want to be very clear. You need to make decisions about your own body. It just had come to me in various forms that like, oh fuck, OK, this is actually like a big issue. Like it's like a bigger issue than... It's not even about weight. It's about like so many other things. Like pain that I've been having in my body and all kinds of stuff.

Nichole [00:53:54] So yeah, so I finally broke down those barriers and took it on myself to redefine this for myself. And I don't like, again, I hate the word productive. I just like, used it to get us kind of on the same page of generally what I'd be talking about. But for me, the point is, is that I finally, finally, finally have come around to being able to see, like eating breakfast on time and moving my body at least once a day is literally every bit as important, if not actually more so, than getting work done. And so now it's something that is scheduled into my day as if it were work. It's given the same priority, the same importance.

Nichole [00:54:54] And oftentimes it's prioritized because if I don't do it by a certain point in the day, then my body might get too kind of tired and sticky from like sitting too long and then it's harder to do it. So, like, I prioritize it higher in my day. And it's helped a lot. I'm still not able to do much. And, you know, I've got a long way to go to rehab, like I'm basically rehabilitating my body. That's how atrophied things have become. And I've got a very long journey ahead of me. But, you know, I'm getting there. And this is the first time that I've been able to consistently do things that are good for my body, physically in this way, for as long as I have been able to now. And I do think that that shift in mindset was critically important to that.

Nichole [00:55:48] And again, it does not need to be exercise. I do think food for everybody is really important, whatever that means to you. I think we undervalue feeding ourselves. I know that's something I still struggle with constantly. But it can also be meditation, it can be stretching, it can be a hot bath, it can be a hot cup of tea. I mean, it literally can be anything. It can be journaling, it can be anything that you know just is something that you need to do to feel your best and to really be in a state of, like, radical self-love and self-care. So [banging noise] thank you, neighbor. So you have to determine what all of that is for you.

Nichole [00:56:41] I've just recently started getting into meditation and that's been helping a lot. But it was not something that I really could access before and it would just stress me out. So I think this list can change over time as well. And everyone's list, it looks different. I fucking hate, I do yoga and I'm starting to meditate, but I absolutely cannot stand when people act like these are things that everyone should do. I just, fuck off with that. Like, I hate when people are condescending about prescriptive things. So yeah, I definitely feel whatever this looks like for you, that's fine. But just work to create a sense of like, this is on par for you with getting anything else done in a day. It's equally as important, it has to be scheduled. It has to be, your spoons need to be taken out for however much that will cost you, which means you need to budget for it. And that might mean that you get less work done.

Nichole [00:57:43] I get less work done than I could because I go for a walk every day or, you know, I do a whatever every day. And I had to just become OK with that. And now I am OK with it. And, you know, of course, long term, like me going for a walk every day could end up leading to me being able to do more work in a day, but that is not why I am doing it. I am doing it because it's something my body needs, it makes me feel better. It helps with my depression. You know, it's just something that I have come around to.

Nichole [00:58:23] I also, being autistic, I don't know, I've talked to a couple other autistic friends and they seem to be struggling with the same thing, but it's very hard for me to leave my house. There have been a lot of people here doing construction, and when I feel like anyone's in the hallway or outside, I just feel like I can't go out there. It's hard to explain so you either get it or you don't. Like you either feel this way or you don't. But it's like very hard for me. And I just, yeah, I don't like bumping into people. I have a neighbor who fucking always talks to me and like, just makes me really uncomfortable. So like even taking out my trash, I get so much anxiety because I don't know if they're hanging out back there. And then I can't like see them until I'm outside and it's too late.

Nichole [00:59:19] So it's been like a fuckin struggle and I will not lie, I've had like up to a week where I don't leave my apartment. And so this, it's also like this, going outside and taking a walk is like part of trying to reclaim the outdoors and like the general outside and, you know, get out of my apartment. And I don't know, it just, you know, just kind of like reintegrate even though things are still super scary. I feel basically safe going for a walk. And because part of my fear of going outside is also fear of getting Coronavirus because I have respiratory issues and I'm fucking terrified. And yeah, so like going for a walk, I even like went and hung out in a park the other day and that like felt really like, a big deal to me. Being in the sun, getting that vitamin D!

Nichole [01:00:24] You know it's all really important for me to feel like I'm not just this secluded person. Because I like being secluded, that's the problem is like, that's easy for me and that feels comfortable. But over time it doesn't feel good. Like I just realized the other day that I could just sit and work and kind of have the same rhythm of things that I do every single day, kind of like unquestioningly. And so that's when I went to the park instead, because I was like, I don't want to get in this mode where I'm just like literally on my computer all the time, that's all I'm doing. Because that feels good, because I'm like, quote-unquote being productive. Like, I need to make sure I'm making space for, like, nature and like physical experiences and things that aren't like contributing to my goals.

Nichole [01:01:23] To that end, I also have to consider social engagements and, like a task or an activity in the day. So if I were to, say, go to a party, or even better, like because this is what's actually happening now, I play board games with my friends online every week or two. We'll meet up and I, you know, we'll meet in the early to late afternoon and go until like the evening. And on those days, I try to get a little bit done earlier in the day, but I can't do too much because hanging out with them, as fun as it is, is just going to suck up like everything I have to give. And if I've already exhausted myself, then like, I'm not going to have a good time with them, like as good as I could have because I'm going to be cranky.

Nichole [01:02:22] And, you know, we play board games and we like strategy games and resource management games and stuff where you're having to do, you're having to make a lot of decisions. You're having to, you know, calculate the angles and like do a little bit of math. And calculate the angles, I mean like figure out someone else's strategy and what your strategy is. And yeah, I can't like be fully present and invested in that if I have like already done my four to five hours of work earlier in the day because I was like, oh, I'm going to be doing something tonight that's fun and that doesn't count. No, it counts. It all counts.

Nichole [01:03:03] So for me that is very true, that any time I'm even doing something very casual, it still has to go in the bucket of like, this is a thing that's going to take up spoons. It's going to take time-energy, like you have to count this as part of your overall thing. And if you're doing a social thing, especially one that's that long, this is not a day where you're going to be really able to do work. You know, this is a day where you're probably better focused on like exercise and cooking, taking a nap, and then like, yeah, just moving your body and like just enjoying your time with your friends.

Nichole [01:03:47] Another hot tip, do shit on your own schedule, adhere to your own rhythm. We have a lot of rhetoric around, like people who wake up earlier are just inherently better than other people. Or people who get stuff done in the morning are inherently better than other people. Fuck that. Like if that is you and that is your rhythm, like kudos, stick with that. But like also do stuff on your own schedule. And especially if you're someone who's in recovery or you have certain situations, like be open to the fact that that might fluctuate.

Nichole [01:04:29] I know for me I can be a person who might naturally wake up earlier and get some stuff done earlier. But what has been true for me in the last year, is that I'm a person who lately has been sleeping until 10:00. I don't know why. But that's just what my body is doing. And even when I wake up earlier than that, I kind of just need to like, lay in bed for a while. A lot of mornings I still feel very, very tired, I don't wake up feeling refreshed. And it's very difficult for me to just, like, get out of bed and start doing things.

Nichole [01:05:10] This is why I struggle, like this is why I brought up breakfast so many times, because I actually really, really struggle with eating breakfast when I should. Because what I like to do is just kind of stay in bed and be on my phone for a bit. Like that's when I might listen to voice notes from my friends and respond, and just sort of like ease into the day. It is just, and I've tried, like I've tried getting up. I mean, getting up and eating is a good thing. Like going, at least grabbing a snack is a good thing to do. But if I try to get up and actually do things that early, I tend to just feel extremely wiped out. Like if I wake up at seven or eight and I try to do a couple of things, like I have to lay back down by 10:00, it's a mess.

Nichole [01:05:54] So other people would have their own opinions about that and would say that it was bad that I stay in bed and I should get up and whatever. But this is what works for me. I may do things now in the late afternoon or the evening. Sometimes - I try not to do things late at night. That is always a mistake... That I make quite often. Because it just, it does like really interrupt my sleep and my sleep schedule. But yeah, I've tried to erase the morality of doing something at 8:00 in the morning versus 3:00 in afternoon. Like at the end of the day, who fucking cares. So just do something when you want to do it.

Nichole [01:06:36] I actually struggled with that today because I wanted to, I'm going to make a video about this topic that's more concise - hehe. So I wanted to record this much earlier in the day so that I could then kind of like get notes together on how to get this to be more concise to make a video while there is still natural sunlight to use for some of my lighting. And yeah, I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready. I had bookclub this morning and I needed to go for a walk. I needed to eat. I just, it just took a while. I needed to lay around, I watched a YouTube video. It just, that's what I had to do.

Nichole [01:07:19] So just really, and again I know a lot of us can't operate out of our natural rhythm, but in the very least, try to undo the shame of whatever your natural rhythm is and just know that it's super valid, and to adhere to it as much as you can, and to just honor that. I have days where I want to get something done and maybe I could have done it but then I waited too long and now I'm just too tired. And that happens. Like, that's OK. I'll just deal with it. It's better than trying to force myself to still do it at a time where now it does not feel good for my body to do it.

Nichole [01:07:57] This happens to me all the time with dishes. That might be really random, but there's something about doing dishes that can either be very soothing to me or extremely... Just physically uncomfortable and horrible. Like if I try to do dishes at a time where I just can't, like I'm just, I don't have the energy, it's awful. It's so awful. And I have a lot of issues with my neck and shoulders and upper back, like I have so much tension. And so standing there doing dishes all bent over, like I often will get a lot of pain from that. So I just like, now I've just been listening to my body and I'm just like, whatever. If I start to do the dishes and it just feels bad, I just don't do them and I just figure it out. And then I just try to capitalize on moments where it feels accessible and I can do them and it's OK.

Nichole [01:08:57] But, you know, like I used to live with someone who wanted the dishes washed every single time, like as soon as they were used. And I get the logic and yeah, that's the world I would love to live in as well. But I have come to, like, accept the fact that that is not how I am able to do things. Often if I have had to cook for myself and I'm eating and, you know, I'm doing whatever else I'm doing, I just don't have it to do the dishes right after and I kind of have to wait. You know, fortunately, it's like once every couple days, few days, I'm able to just get them all done and that's what I do. That's what works for me. If I have to live with someone at some point, they better either like doing the dishes without fucking talking about it, just fucking do them, or deal with the fact that like, I'm going to do them when I do them. Like, that's just how it is.

Nichole [01:09:56] So again, I know we don't all have control over our stuff, and I know sometimes we're perhaps married to people who just will not stop criticizing how we need to do things, or are really bothered by stuff. But at least feel validated that it's very legit that for a lot of us, we can't just get up and like, do a thing. I'm just, I cannot tell you how many times, like, I've had someone say, like, well just do it, just do it. And it's like, no, I literally physically cannot do it. I cannot do it. It's weird. Like, I don't know who would really understand that doing the dishes at the wrong time could actually cause me to be in a lot of pain and also just like incredibly grouchy for the rest of the night, if not the next day. But like, that is my lived reality. So everyone needs to fuck off.

Nichole [01:10:55] Something real quick that's in line with, you know, exercise, if that's what you want and need to do. I have noticed that if I do more strenuous exercise, I - it's weird, I call it like, my jock/nerd dichotomy. It's like if I do a really intense exercise at any point of the day, I don't feel like I can get like super intellectual. This is so silly to say, but it's true. I don't feel like I can really do any kind of deep work for the rest of the day.

Nichole [01:11:32] So on days when I, and right now I can't really schedule intense workouts, I kind of have to like feel it out. But if I feel that like, oh, I want to actually go for something of a run today or whatever, do a more challenging video, then I will plan, I'll be like, OK, if I'm going to do that, then can the rest of my day be either like very light tasky things on the computer. Like, you know, responding to emails, scheduling appointments, scheduling collaborations, stuff like that. And/or that's a day often when I do more strenuous physical exercise, weirdly, I also feel more inclined to do more physical kind of like chores, like the laundry or the dishes or cleaning.

Nichole [01:12:24] So I try to like coordinate that as best I can. And then if I feel, if it's a day where I really have to sit down and work, then I tend to keep my exercise lighter and shorter because I can't really plan on how wiped out I'll be after. And also there is just this weird connection for me where when I do something really intense, I just like bro out and then I'm like, I can't. Nerd out, and do like the heavy intellectual lifting that I need to do. So maybe that helps someone else. Maybe you work that way as well.

Nichole [01:12:58] But I think especially for the aspect of like, I think for a lot of us, it's very hard to know how drained we may be from exercise. Because sometimes exercise can be rejuvenating, but a lot of times, even if I feel good after, I still need to, like, lay down and I might be kind of wiped for the rest of the night. And sometimes I don't feel good after. And then I know I've like, pushed it too hard and I have to pull back. So given that it's like so unreliable and difficult to know how I'm going to feel after, I take that into consideration, when I think about what I'm going to do for the day.

Nichole [01:13:39] Another thing I do, I kind of mentioned it before, but just in terms of scheduling things, is I like to think monthly and then weekly, and then see if I can - I actually used to do this at my desk job as well, my corporate job. And then see if I can allow myself to kind of show up day to day to see what I want to work on versus like scheduling everything ahead of time in a day. So in a week, like this week, I know I want to record two podcast episodes and make this one video. There's other stuff I want to do, but those are the three things that I kind of like, quote-unquote, have to get done.

Nichole [01:14:24] So I allowed myself the space to be like, OK, day-to-day, see how you feel. And then, you know, like keep those goals in mind, but also, like, give yourself space that if you don't feel - like today if I didn't, yesterday I didn't feel like recording an episode, so I didn't. And then today I did, so I did. Do you know what I'm saying? So hopefully, I'm hoping that, like, tomorrow I'll want to record the video and then maybe the next day I can do the podcast, the next episode recording. But I have like the rest of the week for those things to occur. So if I don't feel like it tomorrow, maybe I'm more zapped than I thought I would be, or I'm just like kind of called to work on something else, I still have a lot of space and time to get those things done.

Nichole [01:15:17] So again, you know, it can be hard depending on your job and your lifestyle. You may not have as much flexibility as I have had, but that was probably the biggest thing I did for myself and my job that really helped me to be more productive and to feel less drained by my work, was to allow myself this flexibility of like - and then that's when I would often in a day, I might do like two hours on something, go to lunch, then do two hours on something else. And then everything kind of felt fresh to me and I didn't feel too overwhelmed by any particular project.

Nichole [01:15:51] And yeah, just kind of coming in knowing that I could be a little bit, like if I was having a really bad brain fog day, then I could focus on the stuff that was a bit lighter and didn't need as much focus and attention. And maybe were things that I could do while I was like listening to music or listening to a podcast. So I felt like, you know, I was always being entertained and getting a bit of that, like, kind of dopamine motivation to help me along. And then maybe the next day I felt not quite as shitty so then I could buckle down and work on that, like, more demanding task.

Nichole [01:16:30] So as much as you can, have goals that are kind of more long-term and broad stretching. And again, make sure to very carefully focus on what do you actually need to get done? Yeah, there's a million things you'd like to get done or that would be good to get done, but what has to get done? And just focus on those, and then let anything else that happens in the week be a bonus. And that's kind of how I've gotten a lot of stuff done and felt productive while also feeling like I have plenty of time and space to kind of like rest and recoup and just navigate. Because nothing is worse for me and my brain than when I have to force certain work at a certain time. So you may have to, but if you have any flexibility, I highly recommend this.

Nichole [01:17:23] Relatedly, something my buddy Catherine said that she does is, which is something I also have kind of started to do. I've done a variation of this for a while, but I've been more strict about it lately and it's been really working well. Is to keep, you know, you can keep a master list of, like, everything you need to get done somewhere else. So either in a separate notebook, if you're like a pen and paper kind of person like I am. I've also used to-do apps like Todoist I think is really good. But for some reason I just pen and paper, like, is so much better for me for keeping track of stuff.

Nichole [01:18:11] But like and Todoist, I would organize like everything that I ever wanted to do. I would put it into different projects and get it organized in different ways. But then I would just set to like, do today the few things that I was going to do today and then I wouldn't, like that list would be - because you can like click on like today. Then that list would be separate from the master list of all the things. And now that I just use pen and paper, which for me works better, I can keep like a separate notebook, or I can even still keep stuff on Todoist. But when I sit down and I actually write down on my little notepad what I'm doing today, I just put on the stuff that I can do today.

Nichole [01:18:56] And that can help a lot with your feeling of productivity and your feeling of anxiety. And also for those of us with like executive function issues or who are highly distractible, I think that can very much help you focus as well. So now I try to keep my to-do list for a day between like three to six items. And usually if it has more items on it, it's because there's stuff on there like do the dishes, do yoga, you know, respond to a voice note. It's like because I've included a bunch of these, like, very... Day-to-day tasks, kind of things to remind myself that those are things I really need or want to achieve in that day if possible.

Nichole [01:19:46] But yeah, when it comes to work productivity stuff, usually my lists are very short. And again, if I tend to have more items, it's because there are things like schedule a book club meeting, respond to this message, you know, make a vaccination appointment, which I just did. You know, stuff like that where it can, they're kind of smaller items. They're still going to take up spoons for sure, but they are things that I could sort of get done like within an hour. I'm not going to have anything too, like, time-intensive on there with a bunch of other stuff.

Nichole [01:20:26] I've just learned my lesson and I'm not always perfect. My lists can creep sometimes and grow. But I think knowing for me, knowing that a task is tracked somewhere is like at least half the battle. Because a big problem for me with my executive function issues is that I'm constantly terrified I'm going to forget something. And I'm going to forget something that really needs to be done. So knowing that I've put it somewhere that I'm going to reference later can really help me ease that, and then I don't need to see it on today's list.

Nichole [01:21:06] Because even sometimes I'll make today's list, but then I'll start making a bunch of other notes of, like, all this other stuff that needs to happen. And even though it's not today, it's still on today's list and so it's, you know, giving me anxiety. So, like, literally visually separating those things that are not today putting them somewhere else, it can, like, tremendously relieve a lot of pressure. And it can help relieve that sense of - this is what Catherine and I had been talking about is like, even when I would check off everything on my to-do list in a day, I still didn't feel productive. And I still had a lot of anxiety of, like, not getting things done.

Nichole [01:21:47] And I think a big part of that was that having all these lists everywhere of just gobs and gobs and gobs of stuff that needed to be done, but it's not prioritized. It's just dumped. And you're just looking at this like, massive pile of tasks. It feels totally overwhelming. And it feels like, you know, the few that you got done that day are not even like scratching the surface of, like what needs to be done. And it's just, honestly, it's a very shitty way to live. So doing what you can to reduce that kind of anxiety and allow yourself to truly just focus what's on today's menu, I think is chef's kiss. It's just the best thing you can do for yourself.

Nichole [01:22:37] My friend recently kind of gave me like a very high level explanation of like, Bullet Journal, which is a term I had heard and had no interest in. But I actually have found, at least what he told me about it, to be useful. And I'm really hoping to get at some point one of those electronic notepads, I think that's what they're called, like electronic paper? Because I think that would really help a lot, is if I had that kind of freedom of like, drawing on that, being able to erase things and move things around and create different files. I just think it would be ideal. It feels very bougie, so I'm obviously not going to get one until I'm like very financially secure, which is not my current sitch.

Nichole [01:23:26] But at the same time, I just, I can tell - because he has one so we've been talking about it a lot. And I can tell intuitively that it is a tool that actually would be very, very helpful for me to feel that I have things documented in the way that is good for me. Because part of what I've realized is that tracking tasks electronically like on Todoist - even though I love that app and I think it's like so well put together and I was a premium member for years. There is something about writing a task out that is far more soothing and satisfying to me than entering it like electronically on a list.

Nichole [01:24:09] And I think that's why even though I used Todoist for years and I loved it, I never, I always still had this like, really bad anxiety. And I would still, even though I had Todoist, and even though I was paying for premium at the time, like I still would have notepads and sticky notes of tasks everywhere because for me, I just, I have to write it out. And I have to have it in a place where I can like, yeah, just like physically engage with it. So I think this electronic tablet could help a lot with that because it would allow me to kind of have the best of both worlds. So anyway, wish me luck on that. Maybe Santa will be generous to me one year.

Nichole [01:24:52] But I just think, like, you know, giving yourself space to... Because I know I would get really frustrated with myself and be like, you're using a productivity app, like why are you still having these issues? But I just eventually had to come around to like, I just prefer to write things out. And for some reason that is far more satisfying to me, it helps me stay on track much better, and yeah, it's just more manageable.

Nichole [01:25:20] So now I have a little notepad. I got a gift in my last job of, our manager made customized notepads with everyone's name on them. And I was like, this is kind of ridiculous, like what am I going to do with this? But it turns out it actually ended up being a wonderful gift because it's just like the right size of paper, I can keep this little pad with me wherever I go. And yeah, it's actually worked out really great now that I've been working from home to serve as this like daily to-do tracker.

Nichole [01:25:59] So a couple of things I want to talk about. I'm not super experienced in these, so these are kind of almost more prompts for you to maybe learn more. I am tracking down, my friend has a book that I think he's going to loan to me, but he has it as an e-book so I'm not sure if he's able to send me the file or not. Anyway, it's all about hacking your brain chemistry. But I've been, you know, after I did the last episode, well, a couple episodes ago, about like how do I stop staring at my crush? And I talked about, you know, some neurochemicals there. I think just hacking your brain.

Nichole [01:26:39] This is like specifically, especially for neurodivergent people. You know, for ADHD people and autistic people, we have different dopamine situations than neurotypicals, so it is very hard for us to start a task. And for those with ADHD, it can be difficult to stay on task depending, I know you can also get hyper-focused, which is something that I can do as well. So I've just kind of learned to try to integrate... To try to create this dopamine response for myself in order to be able to start a task.

Nichole [01:27:27] I think the Pomodoro Technique where you set like a twenty-five-minute timer and you just force yourself to start and work on it for twenty-five minutes and then you take a break. I actually do think that's really a great technique. A lot of times for me if like, I can just get started then I'm good. But also I've heard from a lot of people like if you need music, you know, listen to music while you're doing stuff, that can really help. I get a lot of dopamine and good stuff from music, so that can help a lot. However, also pay attention. So music used to be my number one way to work. I also used to have TV on sometimes, especially if I was doing like more menial tasks that didn't need a lot of attention. But I've come to realize in my old age that I am generally overstimulated. And so lately it's actually been more productive for me to have the music off.

Nichole [01:28:24] So I would just say, pay attention. I think sometimes we can, like it's so natural for me to immediately go to put music on when I start to work. And it took a while for me to actually realize that the music was part of what was distracting me and kind of making me uncomfortable. And, yeah, it's been really difficult to realize, like, how overstimulated I am, because I've lost the ability to really listen to music the way I used to. I haven't been able to get into podcasts as much as I used to. There's just a lot of stuff. But just trying to honor that. Like I am overstimulated and being in silence or quiet is actually more productive for me nowadays than listening to music. However, I do know for a lot of you, like you have to listen to music, or you have to have something on in order to focus. Great. Honor that. Stick with that. Do what you got to do.

Nichole [01:29:23] Part of what I've also done, and I'm kind of embarrassed to give this tip, because for me it feels very like new-agey and out of character. But I have been - and that's just my own stuff. That's no judgment on anyone else. I have been using meditation, or what I've been kind of calling, like, intentional focus lately to help kind of create like a, I think it's creating a dopamine response where it's giving me kind of that reward feedback for completed tasks. So I will maybe meditate just for a few minutes before I start my day. So I did this with my taxes and it helped a lot. I did some yoga and then I sat down and I meditated for a little while.

Nichole [01:30:08] And for me, the meditation was just kind of, really when I quote-unquote meditate, that's why I'm not exactly sure what to call it. But I just basically, like, talk to myself. And just kind of like do my best to shut out - well, I'm aware of external stuff, but I do my best to not, like, allow it to really enter. To not distract me or be too present and like with what I'm doing. Anyway, so I told myself, like today, you're going to work on your taxes. And that's going to feel really good because this is something that's been causing you a lot of anxiety and you're going to feel really great after you've worked on them. You may not get them done today. That's OK. But like, you're going to feel so amazing that you started doing them and you're just going to have the best feeling after you decide to quit wherever you need to quit.

Nichole [01:31:08] And I just kind of like had this conversation with myself for like five minutes where I basically was, like, repeating this sort of message over and over. Because, two things, I struggle with feeling good about doing a thing. And I also struggle with keeping focus on that thing and not having anxiety about all the other things that also need to be done. And I have to tell you, this was really effective. I actually didn't do much that was like truly... It wasn't the hard part of doing my taxes, I basically that night just gathered all the documentation together. You know, pulled all the bank statements and whatever information I had together, just all the different forms and stuff, and got it all in one place. And then I signed up for Mint, which ended up not working out because for some reason there was issues with my bank, kept denying access.

Nichole [01:32:08] But anyway, I got, you know, I got started and I felt so good that night. And I honestly still had the worst part ahead of me, but I felt great and I was able to focus on it and it just felt really good. And then the next day I was able to sit down for several hours and actually do the really difficult part of like, tracking down all of my receipts for expenses, you know, doing all of those calculations, categorizing all of it. I had like a form from the accountant where I had to put my expenses, but like, she had created categories that were different than the ones I had created so I had to, like, do all that all over again. It was a whole thing.

Nichole [01:32:53] But it was that starting point. And I do really feel like sitting down and having that conversation with myself really helped. And it really helped me to feel, like I felt so anxiety-free that night and I was able to go to bed and like sleep and not be all twisted up about the fact that, like, I hadn't actually really gotten much of anything done. And then when I did actually finish my taxes, I felt really good. And I, again, was able to focus on that and not have anxiety about other things that needed to be done. And ever since then, my productivity has like, gone up. And I do attribute it to the fact that, like my anxiety has been relieved by having that huge task done, even though I can't get a fucking accountant to email me back to help me file the fucking things. At least I have all the information together, so that's nice.

Nichole [01:33:56] Yeah, so anyway, that's my kind of squishy tip for the day. I just really do think that whatever your struggle is, maybe you're not like me, maybe your anxiety is different, maybe don't have anxiety, maybe you're able to focus, whatever. I don't know what your deal is. But I do think that if you do kind of struggle in this, any sort of way, of feeling satisfied with what you've done in a day and feeling like happy with yourself and feeling like loving towards yourself and like proud, I do think, like, try it out.

Nichole [01:34:32] You know, and to me, it pairs really well with exercise. I kind of like have to do it together. There's something about like moving my body. I think, because for me that does release a lot of anxiety and tension, and then I'm in more of a headspace where I'm able to like, have that kind of conversation with myself. But I've always struggled because like meditation, as we normally think of it, so far has not really worked for me. I don't feel like I ever do it and feel anything but awkward. Like it hasn't benefited me in any sort of way that I can see. And then mantras typically don't really work for me either. So this is what has worked for me, is like sitting down and just having this like, very loving internal conversation with myself where I basically like gas myself up. And just, it's just like I'm just telling my brain, this is how you're going to feel. And for me, it's been really successful.

Nichole [01:35:32] So don't undervalue that. And I do think a big part of this is establishing a healthy, loving relationship with yourself. I am notorious for being extremely hard on myself to the point of where sometimes I can be hateful. And so for me, this has been really important work that I needed to do. Maybe you're more evolved. Maybe you don't hate yourself. I want to know your secrets. But yeah, if you have any kind of complicated relationship with - and I think especially when you add in like neurodivergence and like disability or chronic illness, it's just, yeah it can get really complicated.

Nichole [01:36:20] Like, I know my body needs love, I know it's not my body's fault, but I'm constantly really angry with my body for not being able to do more and I feel like I'm fighting against it a lot. And I'm just... Yeah, I'm just really, really trying to work on that and it's very hard. And it's really deep work. So for me, I feel like this was like a first really breakthrough kind of step and I found it very helpful.

Nichole [01:36:49] So if it helps you, great, if it doesn't, pass it by. All right friends, well I think that's mostly what I have. I hope that that was a good journey to go on. I know it wasn't as clean as like just a list. And I know a lot of it, or all of it, was really based on my own personal experiences. I feel that that is the only way I would be comfortable doing an episode like this, because like I said, I honestly get really triggered when I consume media that's like, here's how you do X, Y, Z. And I just feel like it's very prescriptive. And let's be honest, very often very ableist, or at least not taking disability into consideration. So this is the best that I could do with my own, just share my own experiences and hope that there's some kernels of, if not tips that you can actually apply that help you, at least a lot of validation for how you navigate this world as a disabled, chronically ill/neurodivergent person.

Nichole [01:38:11] All right, well we will be back in two weeks. I don't know with what, but hopefully it'll be great. Thank you for tuning in today. I would like to take us out with a quote that came my way via one of the Discord members posting it in one of our channels. This quote is from Thomas Merton. "To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone and everything, is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of our activism neutralizes our work for peace. It destroys our own inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of our own work because it kills the root of inner wisdom, which makes work fruitful."

Nichole [01:39:07] Yes. I will post this quote in the show notes as well if you want to read it, share it, put it somewhere. I actually created a desktop for myself with this quote on it because I feel like it's so relevant to... Honestly, I feel like it gets at the heart of a lot of what I talked about today. And that I have found peace and fruitfulness in actually becoming less concerned with productivity and scaling back on what I feel that I have to accomplish all the time. While still, of course, having to focus on the things that need to be done in order for me to survive and thrive, like my fuckin taxes.

Nichole [01:40:00] If you have a question for me to answer on the show, and I certainly hope that you do, or even a kind of general topic idea would be fine as well. You can send that to pynkspots@gmail.com and you may be the lucky recipient of an episode tailored just for you. All right comrades, remember: respect humanity, not authority. We'll see you next time.

Nichole Outro [01:40:40] Hey Pynko, thanks for tuning in! If you enjoyed the show, consider supporting it by making a monthly contribution on Patreon by going to patreon.com/pynkspots. You can also make a one-time donation on Venmo to @pynkspots, or on PayPal by using the link in the show notes below. Your donations help support a disabled neuroqueer anarchist live off her creative work, and that's pretty damn cool.

Pynk Spots

How to be Productive as a Disabled, Chronically Ill, and/or Neurodivergent Person

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